I am an...

The photo shows the inside of my high school notebook. Actual beer cans, cut in half and inserted. Actual Jack Daniel label. This whole shining a light into my past thing is a bit freaky because I'm beginning to really see it from the inside out.

The title of this post refers to one of my book jackets that I transferred from book to book. Remember when you had to buy (or were they given?) the slipcovers to protect the books? The photo below is mine from my sophomore year. Yes, I still have it. Even in the midst of the madness there was creative outlet.

Here are some of the sayings:

"Blow your mind. Play Russian rhoulette."

"Sit on it and rotate" (with a drawing of a hand flipping the bird)

"Life is massive confusion."

"Kiss my ass."

You get the picture.

Somewhere on there I had written "I am an asshole." I remember showing this to a girl in trig class. She looked at me as if I was insane. What would possess me to do that? Attention? Certainly. A frightened child crying out? Certainly. These are the things that preoccupied my mind.

The other things that preoccupied my mind were music, stories and my addictions.

I do know one thing. I was well aware of the smallness of my white bread, suburban existence. Though I am now grateful for it and realize the insulation provided me the luxury of wallowing in self-imposed despair and provided me a foundation to function in the world, at the time I knew something was wrong. Didn't know what, but knew there was a smallness that was too confining.

I took the time to cut this comic strip of Bloom County (one of the best comic strips ever, retired way too early...) and paste it in my notebook:

Milo Bloom: You know. I can't seem to shake the feeling that Charles and Di are too...something.

The way they walk, talk...dress...sit...laugh delicately...it's vague...abstract...I can't put my finger on it -

They're just too...too something. Just too...too...

Oliver Wendell Jones: ...white.

Milo Bloom (slapping knee): That's it!

A great cleansing is occurring. I am relaying my foundation. Shining the light on all of these things and what they represent helps me to let them go. No longer does my past have this hold on me, this black hole filled with infinite darkness, the cancer sucking the life blood out of my soul. Healing is taking place.

I see why people write memoirs, why people join AA, why people feel the call to preach. I go back to move forward. This healing is an amazing process.

Being born again is much more than just a metaphor, more than just symbolic.

Faith, hope and charity are so much more than just wedding vows.