Walking Away, Part 2

I went to my first Vespers service at a local Orthodox church. It was small, only about seven people in attendance. I had to navigate my way into the church through the kitchen where it appeared there was some kind of event taking place later in the event hall. It wasn't until after the service that I learned where I was supposed to have gone in.

This was something similar to what I experienced when considering Islam as a viable spiritual path and was not met with the usual enthusiastic welcome with clear directions from the parking lot to the main entrance to the sanctuary in more 'seeker-friendly' churches so this came as little surprise. 

As an introvert quietly seeking, this was just fine. Those I did speak to were friendly and gave me directions and the priest sought me out to introduce himself before the service started. I'd describe it as a gentle welcome.

The walls were painted with biblical scenes and there were icons around the church. This is something new to me but I get the idea of veneration, not worship. Kissing them and the cross is foreign to me but is not a deal-breaker. God knows in 'evangelical' circles there are some peculiarities that might weird new (or old, for that matter) people out. 

I'd take the time to describe it in great detail but there are plenty of videos out there if you'd like to watch the service. It was short, less than an hour, and singularly focused. 'Tradition' gets a bad rap but I was keen to pay attention to what was being said and sung, and it aligned perfectly with the seeking I'm doing.

This was a breath of fresh air.

I watched and tried to time the standing (most of the service) or sitting (wasn't clear here) and no one seemed to care. I watched how often - a lot - they crossed themselves and gently bowed during the service and was quite interested. I'm familiar enough with the symbolism of the three fingers (Trinity) and two fingers (dual nature of Christ) finger placement as well as the order of how the crossing is done on the body but knew nothing about its practice during a service. 

The entire service was singing by two women (one the priest's wife) and a gentleman in the back giving their singing the undertone (bass?) to buoy their singing and the priest with his chanting which I could not fully make out as he chanted. Though I could not understand the 'chanting' of the priest - smells and bells, right? - but I really do love the smell of incense. 

It's what I've come to expect and it had much better resonance in person than online. I plan to go back or perhaps do the same at other Orthodox churches around town.

Walking Away

I'm done. I have officially checked out of contemporary Christianity. Just, done.

I've been fighting this for many years, long before the insanity that is 2020. The 2016 election threw the grenade when it became expressly clear that the distinction between Christianity and America, Jesus and Americans, not only blurred but were formally merged.

Chris Tomlin songs, Bethel muddled lyrical theology and overall weirdness as folks look for a buzz, the next big thing, an escape from the travails of the world into our gated communities and socially safe enclaves, all in the name of Jesus and the 'miraculous' just drove me to realize that it has become incredibly selfish in its manifestation.

Does it help people? Sure it does, in a 'moral therapeutic deism' kind of way, a self-help for the soul. For those so healed, this is not a bad thing, not at all. Off drugs, save your marriage, give up addictions, get your life on track? Absolutely ok.

However...

Something is amiss. I can't find Jesus in it. Rather than seeking holiness, we seek morality. Rather than seeking Who He is, we seek to explain how He benefits us. Rather than focusing on the Trinity, we've got horribly muddled theology that is primarily Christocentric and veers headlong toward Sabellianism, Nestorianism, or any of the other host of theologies that violated the doctrines, those boundaries of the Church. 

Rather than bathing in the Trinity, we seek the Spirit separately and independently, as if He can be extracted from Jesus for an individual experience with Him alone. The Father? He's there somewhere, usually given lip service in our prayers. The Resurrection? We use this over and against all the other 'prophets' who are dead rather than weaving into this into the 'event' of the Incarnation.

Yes, I've been swimming in Eastern Orthodoxy and it makes me realize just how much my longing is being filled, at least through books, music, and the services available online. 

Am I running away rather than toward? I don't believe so. I do nothing slow. If you look at my posts over time you'll see clearly that this goes back at least a decade. This has been a slow process, primarily out of habit but also because of family and others who will be impacted. 

I worked through Islam for about seven years, five quite fervently, and ultimately walked away from that as an option on my own volition and because understanding as deeply as I could without leaping in realized it wasn't the path for me. I just couldn't move past Jesus though I didn't have the full depth of how He was understood in the Church. 

So there were some good years after walking away from that path but this didn't last as you can see from many of my posts. I don't want a cultural Christianity. I don't want politics with my Jesus, I don't want a cup of coffee with Jesus, a Mountain Dew with Jesus, ride a Harley for Jesus, or get His name tattooed on my skin, no hip Jesus, no cool Jesus, no macho Jesus, nothing.

I want Jesus straight, no chaser. 

And I want a more proper understanding of the Father, Son and Spirit, not some belief statement handed down and given lip service on a web page.

And I am finding freedom in this path and bondage in the other. 

We'll see where this leads...

The Name of Jesus

Having spent time in and still impacted by my time in a Oneness Pentecostal Church, I finally found some resolve this day of Easter. 

For those who don't know Oneness Pentecostals believe that God's name is Jesus. There is no Father, Son and Spirit as separate 'persons' but only in different manifestations. There was no pre-existent Jesus as the Word there was only the Word in the mind or thought (i.e. logos) of God. What pre-existed was His plan, not His Son. The 'Son' only began to exist at His incarnation (and, yes, Oneness Pentecostals believe in the Incarnation).

Their doctrine is slippery enough that they avoid tags of Nestorianism, Arianism and Sabellianism, among others.  They appear to follow the creeds or at least have a doctrine that allows them to reinterpret it to fit and they have the ability to utilize the words of the Church Fathers to support their doctrine.

While initially appearing to apply sound logic and reason there is a point at which it becomes more 'mystical' than the Trinitarian doctrine it seeks to undermine and upend.

I have been bathing in the Trinity for the past several years and it feels more home to me yet there are times where it bothers me that the Oneness doctrine seems to - and I emphasize seems to - make more sense, especially when it comes to the Name of Jesus. I say this because the Eastern Orthodox Church places great emphasis on this Name as well, to the point that it almost sounds Oneness.

While on a journey of discovery this morning, looking for the origins in the Psalms (through Athanasius' Letter to Marcellinus) of the Jesus Prayer, I found this: 

The Name of Yahweh is the Name: “Lord Jesus Christ.” We ought to remember that “Kyrios” is the LXX rendering of the Divine Name YHWH. When we pray “Lord Jesus Christ…” we are invoking the Name of Yahweh, now most fully revealed in “Lord Jesus Christ.”

I read it several times and it slowly dawned on me what is meant by this. The statement at first glance seems to say the same thing as Oneness doctrine. But upon closer reading (and the understanding that Eastern Orthodoxy is not Oneness and is fully Trinitarian) I realized that the letter word 'of' carries all the weight of that statement.

The Name of Yahweh is the Name: "Lord Jesus Christ."

'Of' is not identity in the sense of Oneness Pentecostalism. 'Of' identity in the sense of the fullness of revelation of the Godhead.

I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word. (John 17:6)

'Of' is the 'begotten' of the Son. It is the 'of' that comes into the world to show us who God is. Jesus is not the Father, he is, if you will, the 'of' of the Father.  

Now of course we have the name of Jesus and the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit so the 'of' is not unique to the Name of Yaweh. This is simply a means of trying to grasp the difference between the Name of Jesus per Orthodoxy compared to Oneness doctrine. 

Exodus 3 says that Yahweh is the Name of Remembrance. That is, when you call out the Name of Yahweh, He will remember His covenant and act accordingly. In John, it is revealed that the Name of Remembrance in the New Covenant is “Jesus Christ.”

When you call out the Name of Jesus, God remembers His covenant and acts accordingly. All of the biblical freight about God revealing His Name and you calling it back to Him falls on the Holy Name of Jesus Christ.

His not revealing that Jesus is the name of God; he is revealing that in this Name is the full revelation of the Godhead. It's a subtle shift and I'm not quite sure I can fully find the words to understand what it is I am grasping it. The challenge isn't so much to justify and defend Trinitarianism (though it is), the challenge is to correctly understand what is meant by the Name. 

For Oneness believers, Jesus is God's name, period. That is the revelation.  And it is the Spirit (Jesus is another 'manifestation' or 'form') then who unleashes power on earth for signs, wonders, miracles and gifts. We don't look to a 'church' we look to the Spirit. 

For Orthodoxy, as best I understand it, the Name of Jesus is not the revelation of God's name as identity, i.e. 'God' is not called Jesus. It is in or through this name where we find God's revelation of Who He is. As much as we come to know Jesus - and this is the significance of the Eucharist - we come to know God. Whereas Orthodoxy emphasizes, and rightly so, the Eucharist, Oneness Pentecostals emphasize the Spirit with the Eucharist being secondary, if that. In fact, as I sit here, I can't recall whether or not we ever partook of the Eucharist.

In other words, as I see it, what Orthodoxy teaches has been lost over the eons and because of this it manifested as Oneness doctrine in the early 1900s in the United States. The loss of history has caused it to repeat itself.  

Though this is a Catholic website, this video here goes into good depth on this from a former Oneness believer (starting primarily around the 18 minute mark):

Travels Alone and Lost Memories

One of my biggest regrets, perhaps my only real regret, was not marking up the atlas I carried (remember, this was before smartphones) and, more importantly, keeping the actual atlas that accompanied my yearlong walkabout.

For the whole year I have three, maybe four, rolls of film. Pictures did not capture the journey and the journal(s) I kept is gibberish, more a hashing out of the madness in my head than it was about capturing the externals of my journey.  

So what's left is memory and my memory is growing faultier and dimmer each year, pricked only by reminders of 'Hey, I was there' when I see it in some medium and it fills me with a tinge of sadness that I had no one to share it with and lack the language or artifacts to display the experience.

It changed me but I lack the words to explain exactly how.

It reminds me of a particular line from this song (which is a significant song as I had a revelatory experience while lying on the floor high as can be digesting each lyrics as if she was singing it only to me; I was in love).

"But she knows this and she smiles
For she has miles and miles of memories all to herself
Everything in between then and now
And all the images of everything in between now and then
And all they have
Are pictures..."

Jenny I Read - Concrete Blonde

Brief, End of Year Recap

Just to put this out there. 

In October, we took a week's vacation, the closure of a 25 year journey in my life, to California, including a capstone visit to the top of Yosemite Falls.

On November 12th, the removal proceeding against my wife were terminated. We were two months away from a final court hearing when the work of five years drew to a close. 

Fast forward to Thanksgiving weekend and the dreaded holiday season where my daughter put on a benefit show that taxed everyone involved, most notably my wife, the one who bears the brunt of the labor and emotional support. Keep in mind that last year, I was called 30 minutes before showtime to pay, on credit, the light and union labor in the amount of $8K. Stupid to pay? Perhaps. But it's done and I'm still paying without having received a dime in return. Thank God for 0% interest for 18 months.

The show, while excellent as always, did not meet expectations and so was an emotional jolt to those involved, especially my daughter. 

Fast forward toward the madness of Christmas. 

The week before Christmas I get an urgent text that I need to come as 'things got violent' between my daughter and her live-in boyfriend. After retrieving her and her three children, one which is biologically his with her, we learned the details of what has been happening the past three years.

We've witness it, we've sense it, we've vibed it but have had no tangible evidence until the emotions pushed it out of her. While it was a joy to have them all safe in our home for a week, they have since returned and things are back to that normalcy. And we are both devastated and terrified for her but, moreso, the twins who are gifted, sweet and innocent. We fear that will be lost in the midst of the dysfunction that is their relationship. 

While not unsympathetic to the damage that the sexual abuse they both suffered while young and its impact on their current adult self, the situation is dark, dark enough that the twins are seeing 'dark shadows' in their bedroom at night making things vanish. We fear for the worst though remain prayerful and trying to keep that connection with them, the twice monthly sleepovers at Nana and PopPop's house. 

Much, though not all, the family knows and she opted to avoid Christmas with the family altogether most likely out of shame though pinning the guilt on my wife. 

On New Year's Eve we called and the children, as always, were confined to their bedroom watching their television and eating junk food, though not at liberty to say what they were eating out of fear of reprisal from their mom, though driven by the fear of the man taking up residence in the house, because she knows better and because the children actually love tasty, healthy food.

Add to that some job insecurities with a good company and a solid, though aging, leadership team in a difficult industry with some top heavy expenses and 2020 is starting out in a blaze of glory.

On a positive note, my faith has deepened and though I haven't made the leap to form Orthodoxy, I have made the break with the 'evangelical' style of modern Christianity. While I can be fed there, though truthfully more often as 'personal growth' rather than deepening spirituality, I also leave about 90% of it behind, including much of the theology that drives it.

At 54 years of age, I'm curious to see where this is going.