Rage...

...has returned and I'm not quite sure why.

Am I not praying enough? Has the Spirit been displaced by my ego? Is it simply one of those times of being alone in the desert? Or is it a continuing failure to choose my destiny, succumbing instead to doing what's expected or seeking the approval, acceptance or appreciation of others?

All of these are self-centered. Yet if the center is misaligned, so too is everything else.

Yet I can't seem to snap out of it. There's obviously a payoff in holding on to the rage but there is also a frustration at the inability to express it properly and it comes out inappropriately. There is a tendency to slip into and "I don't want to deal with it" mode and instead bury myself in books, music or movies all of which don't hold my attention and, at best, neutralize any feeling at all.

Perhaps, if I follow the pattern in this blog over the past few weeks, I can see the trajectory that has landed me here.

I long for escape, for freedom, for the open road, for the simple life, unencumbered by all the burdens my choices have heaped upon me, all the "stuff" of life which I long to shed. I may be living in the delusion that I would truly be free if I had less stuff but the reality is I need to be free from the stuff while I have it.

I am clinging to externals for reassurance, looking for comfort instead of peace, seeking the things of this world rather than things that are eternal.

And maybe in that is my answer...

Because, after all, it isn't about me, is it?