Why not a sex addict?

My ego would prefer to be a sex addict. Being a porn addict sounds sleazy, cheap, creepy, perverted. At least as a sex addict you've got what it takes to get some. Even though it hurts another human being, at least there is another human being; at least there is contact. The porn thing is introverted, i.e. loser.

It's the paradox of being an addict. My addiction is compared to another's. If I'm going to be an addict, I want to be the "best" at it. Believe me, there are competitions when it comes to swapping horror stories of addiction, a sense of pride in divulging just how low a person has been. It isn't just the sharing and depth of horror shared that determines one's level of recovery but the amount of pride or humility in which someone shares the story.

I'd say it's a continuum. The truest of healing is reflected in pure humility (and not self-degradation or self-deprecation); someone still in the throes of addiction will speak with pride, even braggodocio, of the depths of depravity to which they've sunk.

But the reality is that each form of addiction is still that: an addiction and, as such, is on par with alcohol, drugs, food or any other form of addiction and all, in some form or other, harm others as a consequence, though all addictions can lead to total and complete isolation as well when the addiction causes one to be so self-centered that all choices involve the addiction over or at the expense of any and all relationships except those that somehow benefit the addiction.

So in pondering the attraction of pornography, I have realized that in the objectification of the actors what I am really doing is role playing my psyche. I am at once the one in power and the one whose power is being taken. There are times watching porn where I have a moment of conscience that usurps the numbness and I see, in horror, the look of pain in the eyes of the woman. Instantly I'm torn. There is arousal, yes, but not so much "sexual" arousal but the arousal of being in control, of having power to have said woman surrender her power, and simultaneously desiring to help, save, even love the woman who is longing for the same, her surrender of power actually a desire for love.

I am at once the perpetrator and the victim, both sides of my psyche being played out and watch live in front of me. I am the man assuming power; I am the woman who needs saved. In a sense, I am taking my own power and longing to save myself. It is the disconnect, the barrier I have created around my wounded soul, that allows this distancing so much so that I can watch "objectively" without the pangs of conscience, the lack of recognition of the symbolism I am witnessing on the screen.

Any and all fetishes or deviations venture forth from this premise, the darkness in said fetish representing some aspect of self-identification based in lack of love.

So pornography addiction isn't about sex. Sex is an objectification of interior battles, scars and hidden spots that are manifest un- or even subconsciously onto the screen. This is how women become sex "objects" and how men often devalue the personhood of women in an effort to resolve, unaware, their own inner demons.