Angry Christian Men

I suppose I could just call the post angry men but for some reason with the "Christian" tag you'd think there would be no anger or, when anger flares up, I know the well from which to draw the water that will quench the fire.

Yet that rage flares up.  Not everything causes the rage.  Rage is the result of the accumulation of judgments, the collection of things that seem unfair, a file cabinet in the brain of things that are wrong, things over which I either lack control or have no control.

When these build to a critical point, seemingly insignificant things are like a pin pricking a balloon.  Sure I blame erratic sleep patterns which is partially true as my ability to "hold it together" is weakend.  I blame the job, I blame other people's bad decisions that affect me, I blame the bills, I blame, blame, blame.

Ultimately, however, it comes down to control.  I am in charge.  The "I AM" isn't in charge; I am. 

In other words, I am unwilling to truly surrender, to truly trust, to truly humble myself before Another.  I say I do; I have the best intentions of doing so:; I may even, under the right conditions, actually do so.  But, by and large, my sense of happiness is dictated by my control over those things I cling to for safety - income, job, bank account, etc.

This may not seem revelatory.  It really isn't supposed to be.  But it is an acknowledgement.  I am afraid to surrender and it is this fear that is the source of the rage.  Rage flares up when fear is highest.  Fear of losing the job, fear of running out of money, fear of someone doing something which I judge to be a violation of some standard I impose.

In this state, there is no grace, there is only judgment, judgment which, if the tables were turned, I too would fail.

"Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things." (Romans 2:1)

Ouch.

Intellectually, I know this.  Yet there is a blockage of the heart that does not allow this to penetrate deep enough that the smallest provocation causes my (emphasis my) little (emphasis little) world to crumble.

So where is the hope in this?  I've been reading the story of David and Solomon and the decline of the kingdom of Israel.  And have fallen in love with the Bible again.

Don't get me wrong.  I still have a critic's eye.  After all, to read the Samuel/Kings versions and the Chronicles version you'd have to do some fancy gymnastics to deny some discrepancies (e.g. who killed Goliath?). 

But...and a rather large one at that...in reading James Kugel's How To Read The Bible I have come to find that Biblical scholarship, even though it basically dismantles the inerrantist worldview, settles my mind by giving an honest explanation of these discrepancies. 

Kugel is a Jewish (that is, a practicing Jew) scholar.  This work presents the traditional view and the scholars view and leaves the final verdict up to the reader.  But it is one of the more honest works of recent memory and I just can't stomach much of what passes for Biblical scholarship in much of the Christian universe. 

How many books do we really need that does the "quote a Scripture, quote some famous person, quote a Scripture, quote some famous person" dance?

Balance this with Fred Kamer's Doing Faithjustice, a Catholic perspective on social thought, and a re-read of Nate Larkin's Samson and the Pirate Monks, and, once again, the muttness shines through.  A Jewish, Catholic, nondenominational book reading mutt.

And this does not belittle the Sacred in the Bible; if anything, with the mind at ease, it allows the import of the real message to shine through.

And my anger?  Still flares up.  IE crashed (I use Firefox at home...) while posting this and I got angry.  Irony indeed.

But I continue to read the Word and continue to try and pray, trying to swallow the pride that wants to rationalize it away or to make judgment on forms of prayer that seem phony and silly, as if God is Santa Clause.  Judgment.  Anger.  Pride. 

All symptoms of self-absorption and a need for surrender.

So to the Word I return, not as a critic, but as a Seeker.  I acknowledge my sinful, self-centered state of mind and do pray (if only in the heart) for God to move through me unimpeded by the Holy Spirit so it is Jesus, not me, that is displayed. 

Because, in the end, it isn't about me.  Or you.  Or any of us.  It is about Him.