Arrogance and fear...

Arrogance and fear, two sides of the same coin. I suffer with both. Just got involved in a road rage game today, something I haven’t done since high school. Car turning left at a red light, I swerved into the right lane so as not to have to wait for him when the light turned green, pulling in front of a pickup truck with what I thought was clear enough distance. Apparently not. When the light changed, the guy zoomed to cut me off in the left lane I needed to be in and then slowed down to the same speed as the car in front of me in the right lane. He drove that way for about a half a mile.

I sped up to try and go past and in front of him and he sped up to match me, swerving slightly into my lane to send a message. I swerved to the left to counter him, he swerved back into this lane and slammed on his brakes. I drove right up to his bumper. I know the game all too well, the adrenaline starting to flow.

I needed to turn left up ahead so decided to wait until he passed the street and then swerve quickly behind him from the right lane into the left lane to turn so he had no chance of turning behind me. He was going the same way. I waited until he was in the turning lane and waved at him as I went by him on the right. Not surprisingly, he opted not to go left and was now headed up behind me.

I stepped on the gas and drove up the road at about sixty in a thirty-five zone, swerved left and bounced over a curb into a gas station, my suspension already in tatters, and watched him go straight, stopping at a red light. A State Highway Patrol car was at the intersection and I figured I was safe, that he wouldn't do anything because the Trooper was there. I even let a car in the parking lot go in front of me to turn. Bad move. As it was lunch time, there were cars backed up at the light and the car I waved in front of me was going left out of the parking lot. I was stuck. Couldn't go right, couldn't go left, couldn't get into the street.

I looked in my rear view mirror and, panicking, saw the truck coming over the curb toward me. In an instant, looking for an out, I opted to shoot through the drive-thru lane to get away. Bound by a curb on one side, a fence on the other and a car in front of me stopped at the drive-thru window, I was trapped.

The truck had stopped and a rather large man with long hair, pony tail, Harley shirt, dark sunglasses, beard, boot cut jeans, and cowboy boots was coming at me. I wouldn't have stood a chance.

I slammed into reverse and maneuvered back through the drive-thru lane and out onto the main street, causing at least one car to slam on its brakes in order not to hit me. Horns honking, verbal threats of bodily harm from him as he ran toward the street and I gunned it to get out of there, making a quick right at the light, just missing another car coming my way, accelerating to top speed (which, on my car, is about sixty miles an hour on its three cylinders of four that work).

I drove with a constant eye on the rearview mirror. He wasn't behind me. After turning down the street, through another light, I pulled into the parking lot at work just in time for the lunchtime buzzer and had a moment to sit and think. The adrenaline gone, I was forced to reckon with me.

Here I am, supposedly some spiritual dude, playing childish and dangerous road games. I could have caused serious damage to a lot of people, myself not included. What the hell was I thinking? Arrogant. Stupid. Why did I do that? Fortunately, there was no rush, no way I could have justified it, no charge like back in the day. There was simply a pang of regret.

I could have, should have, gotten my ass kicked. It would have been justified. I should have just slowed down, let the guy keep going and be done with it but no, I had to tease just a little, just enough to piss him off but lacking the guts to back it up. My ego is fragile, weak and cowardly. Big man behind the wheel of a car.

Strength would have been to let him go. True strength would have been to find a way to own up to it and apologize to him. That would have been the truly ‘spiritual’ thing to do. I thus exposed something deep inside of me I need to look at, something dark that I need to face, something that needs brought to light.

Bad - took about 100 steps backwards. Good - needed to retrace and repair those steps.

I have lots of work that needs done, the first being humility. There's not much room inside for growth with pride in the way. It's time to work on surrender.