Musings on the Trinity

Q: Can someone explain to me the doctrine of the trinity?

A: It's something of a mental framework through which to filter what we find in the Bible. It’s a hedge, something you come to not something you begin with. Ultimately, however, it is more experiential than anything else.

Q: Why are some Christians so attached to it?

A: Perhaps they've never thought much about it. Perhaps it has been hammered into them from childhood and they’ve accepted it without questions.

Perhaps it is the most sensible explanation for the Biblical text.

Perhaps the Church Fathers who struggled for about 300 years or more to put into language what is deeper than words came up with the best explanation of a framework in which to provide a structure that would enable a Church to survive for 2,000 years.

Q: Do you really lose anything by just saying that God is one person, not three persons?

A: How do you understand the term person?

Attachment and desire...

"Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, "One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." (Mark 10:21, NASB)

"Jesus said to him, "If you wish to be complete, go {and} sell your possessions and give to {the} poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." (Matthew 19:21, NASB)

"When Jesus heard {this,} He said to him, "One thing you still lack; sell all that you possess and distribute it to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." (Luke 18:22, NASB)

That is revolutionary.

Is this selling of all and giving to the poor a mandate in itself? Is Jesus calling this charity or simply a means to another end? Jesus says elsewhere that the poor will always be with us so he isn't calling for a form of communism to eliminate poverty. The scenes in Acts 2 and 4 show this played out but even there the call isn't to form a commune but to free one's self from the 'stuff' of the world.

Not only are we called to sell all our stuff, we are asked to give up ourselves in the process. This, it seems to me, is the second step in the process. First we must eliminate the stuff of the world, the possessions to which we attach ourselves, giving it power that is not there. The next step, then, is to deny ourselves.

"And He summoned the crowd with His disciples, and said to them, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me." (Mark 8:34, NASB)

"Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me." (Matthew 16:24, NASB)

"And he said to [them] all, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." (Luke 19:34, NASB)

What has happened to the Christians?

How is it that Christianity has become a means to wealth creation?

Revolution...

Any longlasting and effective change has come when the people get together and speak up. Most recently we saw this in the U.S. elections. In 2004, the people spoke but everyone knows that election was basically stolen. That's ok, I'm not so sure Kerry would have been anything more than the not-Bush vote. Ditto 2000 with Al Gore.

Anyhow, in 2008 people actually voted for Obama. Sure there was a definite "we're sick of this Republican regime" sentiment but the people spoke and Obama was elected. The people spoke.

But the people cannot depend on government to effect change. This can only come from people.

But what is this revolution? What is it we want? There are so many revolutions to be fought that it renders them all ineffectual.

A spiritual revolution? We hear this in the Churches. But which Church? There are far too many denominations or non-denominational denominations, each with their own version of revolution, Catholic vs. Protestant, Oneness vs. Trinitarian, mainline vs. non-denomination, megachurch vs. storefront church, Christian vs. Christian.

An economic revolution? A green revolution? What is it we want?

I want less stuff. But it's not as easy as it appears as I type away on my computer, listening to my mp3 player with my special headphones, waiting to head for my house in my pickup truck where we are overflowing with stuff. We are not "into" stuff but when you live somewhere for a long time, stuff accumulates.

Perhaps that is my revolution. To make a move toward eliminating stuff. This would include my books. I've thinned out over the years but still have way too many books and way too many forms of media containing music. CDs, vinyl albums, cassettes, even the ethereal stuff of over 100 GBs of music on my computer.

No wonder Jesus says it's hard for the rich man to get into heaven. He's got too much baggage for the journey.

Sell everything we have to follow him?

An American Poem - Ras Baraka

Every so often, a lyric, or a poem, or a song comes along and just knocks you to your senses. I've lately been reading up on workers' movements at the early part of the twentieth century and just finished watching the movie Reds, about John Reed, the I.W.W., the Soviet Revolution in Russia and all the labor struggles that took place.

How far we've come; how far we've fallen.

So I'm listening to Ame's Fabric 42 mix and get to Edward's Raw Structure and hear this line:

"Are there any American poets in here?
I wanna hear an American poem
Something America, you know
Something American, you know.
Some sassy shit.
A South Carolina slave shout or
Alabama backwoods church shack call and response"

And I'm hooked. What is this? Who is this? It is gripping and reinforces what is true about this country. Not our ideals, not this "American" vision but this American reality.

Variations of it are floating around the electronic dance scene and you can see Ras Baraka himself perform it here:



Here are the words (and a few question marks) from the link above. There are variations of the poem out there (see bracketed verses). If some of the references aren't familiar, check 'em out, educate yourself a bit.

"Are there any American poets in here?

I wanna hear an American poem
A South Carolina slave shout or
Alabama backwoods church shack call and response

I wanna hear an American poem
An American poem
About share croppers on the side of the road
Of families in cardboard boxes.
Not about kings or majestic lands or how beautiful ugly can be
I wanna hear some American poetry
[I wanna hear some American shit
Some American poetry
Something about ghettos of Italians, of Jews, of Germans, of niggas]
About abandoned projects and lead poison and poverty and children in jail.

I wanna hear a poem about a picket line and the Joe Hill legend, struggle for an eight our day
Hey you, hey you
Where are all the American poems about Harlem number runners and barbershop conversations about colored faces on color tvs

I wanna hear an American poem, something American, as American as jazz,
Or a South Bronx burner brandished on abandoned buildings
A scratch tune
A breakbeat
A backspin
A beatbox
A rap song
In Congo Square
Niggas beatin' on buckets on Broad Street,
As American as the Zulu Nation and the Latin Kings

I wanna hear an American poem
About a dead girl on Chadwick Avenue with a bullet in her neck
From a cop doin’ his job ordered by Fascism and crack cocaine
You know, something made in the USA
Something American

An Afro Cuban New Yo Rican Latin tinged beatin' bomba and plena
Sprawling out of the wide open tenement windows in the middle of the winter
On the verge of East Harlem on North Newark
Poems of brown colleagues (?)
Of Albizu being tortured for breathing Taino blood
Screaming African tongues
Dialoguing in Spanish for being him (?)
Puerto Rican self and worst of all loving it

My God where is all the American poetry

[Not poems about your attic
Not poems about how your clothes fit
Or f***ing poems
And stale slobber
Nor the night before
Or the morning after
I don't wanna hear about your shoes
Or your statues
And your fantasies
There's no more American poetry]

Just death marches and stoic laughter
Niggers being funny
No American poets
No I won't boost your morale
Or play your songs
Or make you feel comfortable
Or build your ego
Or play my part
I just wanna hear an American poem
Something native like the Trail of Tears
Wounded Knee or smallpox and blankets
You know American
Something that represents us

[I wanna hear an American poem
With American images like Welcome Back Kotter
Or White Shadow or Different Strokes
About white gods who guide helpless niggas to the light
American you know
Something that represents us]

A colorful rainbow, a big bright fist
An uncorrected sentence
Improper English
As American as Cointelpro
Peakskill New York
Robeson singing out of the back of a truck
Nina Simone playing at the Village Gate
With Baldwin playing next to her on the piano stool
And Amina [and Amiri] Baraka in the audience
Air filled with cognac and Mississippi Goddamn

Capture that moment
Write something about that
An American masterpiece
You know an American poem
Something strictly American

Like Red summer
Strange fruit
Palmer Raids
Hey you, yeah, you, yeah, you, you
Something American
U.S.A. America
America U.S.A.
As American as the KKK

[Hayes Tilden 1877
Dred Scott 1857
Brown vs. Board of Education
Sweat vs. Painter
Smith vs. Allwright
Smith vs. Charlotte-Mecklenburg
Us vs. them
Them vs. us
Us vs. them
Them vs. us]

A poem about Emmett Till will do
Tallahachee River
Church bombings and child murderers
About Alabama red dirt and boycotts in Montgomery
About families migrating north with dignity and shotguns

I wanna hear a poem
I wanna hear an American poem
About a beautiful black boy
Can’t you see him
A beautiful black boy colored into the night
His eyes the stars, his hands are willed (?)
About a beautiful black boy in the middle of a project playing checkers with glass and stone who beats buckets as drums and plays the horn in his sleep

I wanna hear a poem about a beautiful brown girl
A incredibly, beautiful brown girl
With an aged mahogany smile and flower petals for lips
And a beautiful brown girl with a poem in her eyes
With a poem in her eyes
A poem in her eyes and a gun in her hand sitting in a puddle of tears in Clinton’s women’s facility in the Garden State in the land of the free
You know, something American
Something that represents me."

Why the Bible?

Am I any less of a believer because I don't look to the Bible to be the scientifically verifiable, mathematical precise truth? In other words, I am not a literalist.

Did Balaam's ass really talk? Did the sun really stand still for Joshua? Did Jesus really walk on water?

I hold open the possibility. That is my faith. Do I need these to be scientifically, verifiably true?

No.

But of course that opens up other questions: did Jesus really rise from the dead? If so, in what sense? Spiritually? Physically?

Yes.

I believe the claims that it happened according to the Bible. What that means through the lens of my post-enlightenment, post-modern mind is a different story.

It does, however, open up my mind to deeper levels of understanding of the human condition and our purpose on earth. It burrows deep into the soul, beyond the joints and marrow, to quote Hebrews 4:12. It gets in there.

The Bible is a book of community experience, of representative humanity, each book, each chapter, each person a "type" of each of us. We see ourselves, in various situations, in various characters, and it is through their lives as story we begin to see Truth. Truth, in this sense, comes through the pages of the Bible.

If we quote a verse that somehow quoting it means something, we miss the point, as if a mere quote of a verse proves something. It is the application of it that is important, the Word buried in our heart, transforming us into the likeness of He who inspired it. We become the living word. We, in this sense, become the Bible.

The Bible, as it stands, without application, is just a book.

The question remains: Would it be any less true if Jesus didn't walk on water?

Desire...

The film Baraka is re-released with a new, updated transfer and remastered edition. There is also a Blu-Ray version out. Now, I can get the updated version for use on my non-high def television or get a Blu-Ray player for my non-high def television.

Or get an HD television and remastered version. Or get an HD TV with Blu-Ray player and Blu-Ray version.

I opt for none of the above. I'm just not buying it, though I certainly desire it.

Desire drives the economy.

I'm not going to help.

John 8:58 and Exodus 3:14 Part Two

And we continue:

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaliberCadillac

Whether or not the early Church Fathers “made the connection” is somewhat superfluous.

I am simply pointing out that they were either reading the texts in the original Greek, their native language, or heard them spoken in such fashion. I don’t know for certain that the koine Greek in which the texts were written was the same dialect as that of the Fathers but Greek was the native tongue of the early Fathers.

For us today, it is a dead language so we are learning it less intuitively and much more theologically.

Quote:

We have since had some 2000 years of brilliant (and at times, not so brilliant), scholars examining the Scriptures and discovering things that they may have never even imagined.

Certainly and in many cases for the better. But we have also had 2,000 years of theology by which we read into the texts. More recent doesn’t always equate to better.

Quote:

Secondly it’s an argument from silence. While we have Church Fathers commenting on the passage of John 8:58 itself, (as you provided), we don’t seem to have any that actually comment directly comparing John with Exodus.

I would think that if it was so blatantly obvious, they would have said something. I remain convinced that textually the connection was not there.

Quote:

I will, however, zero in on this particular passage from Irenaeus:

First of all, the brackets are completely yours. Irenaeus does not say “i.e. the Father not Jesus.”

Of course he doesn't. That's why I put the brackets in there. Didn’t mean to imply they were in the original text.

Quote:

Secondly, notice the first sentence that states, “Wherefore, as I have already stated, no other is named as God…”

What Irenaeus had ‘already stated’ is found in the preceding paragraph where you will find him declaring,

“Therefore neither would the Lord, nor the Holy Spirit, nor the apostles, have ever named as God, definitely and absolutely, him who was not God, unless he were truly God; nor would they have named any one in his own person Lord, except God the Father ruling over all, and His Son who has received dominion from His Father over all creation, as this passage has it:..” (Irenaeus, Against Heresies, Book III, VI,1)

Quote:

Irenaeus is clearly stating that the name “Lord” and the word “God” (as used in the OT), refers to both the Father and the Son.

That's my point. It is the Father and the Son. The key is that the "He who is" (i.e. the ho on as found in Exodus 3:14 of the LXX) refers to the Father.

Quote:

As I stated before, since they don’t comment directly about a comparison, no conclusions should be made. We don’t know if they ever made the connection or not. If they did, there is nothing extant that has survived.

That too is an argument from silence. What we do have is a pretty strong indication that they did not make the connection.

Quote:

I don’t really buy that they misunderstood him in this context. They certainly rejected him, they certainly felt he posed a threat to their authority, I doubt they ever believed him, but misunderstand him? I think not! While Jesus was at times very misunderstood by everyone, (including his own disciples), John doesn’t tell us this was the case here.

He doesn't say they misunderstood him in other places either but it's pretty evident they do.

Quote:

It does when you understand that the EGO EIMI name literally means the “eternally existing one.”

The ego is for emphasis of eimi. Eimi is the Greek verb "to be." It does not mean 'eternally existing one.' Ho on, not ego eimi, in the LXX, means "he/the one who is".

Quote:

When Moses asked God what his name was, the name given was “the eternally existing one.” (EGO EIMI).

Ho on, not ego eimi. It would read in English something like this: "I, even I, am he who is." The ego eimi is the "I, even I, am" and the ho on is the "he/the one who is" part.

John 8:58 and Exodus 3:14

This was part of a debate. My responses are in blue.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaliberCadillac

Your argument is based on the Watchtower Bible and Tract Societies objections to the deity of Christ. Are you a Jehovah’s Witness?

My argument is based on the original Greek of both the New Testament and the Septuagint.

I'm not denying that Christians believe in the deity of Jesus. I'm saying that John 8:58 is a tenuous connection to Exodus 3:14 and that this verse was not understood by the early Church Fathers (who were Greek) as Jesus calling himself YHWH.

Quote:

The problem with their argument and yours is two fold. One is that you will never get any biblical language scholar to agree with what you just said...

Why not?

Besides, it would also mean that the Church Fathers didn't understand the original Greek. They do not make the connection:

John 8:58:

"And as He was the son of David, so was He also the Lord of David. And as He was from Abraham, so did He also exist before Abraham." - Irenaeus, Lost Fragments, LII

But the Word of God did not accept of the friendship of Abraham, as though He stood in need of it, for He was perfect from the beginning ("Before Abraham was," He says, "I am") - Irenaeus, Against Heresies, Book IV, XIII, 4

If, then, those who were conversant with the ancient Scriptures came to newness of hope, expecting the coming of Christ, as the Lord teaches us when He says, “If ye had believed Moses, ye would have believed Me, for he wrote of Me;” and again, “Your father Abraham rejoiced to see My day, and he saw it, and was glad; for before Abraham was, I am. - Ignatius, Epistle to the Magnesians, IX

Exodus 3:14-15:

Wherefore, as I have already stated, no other is named as God, or is called Lord, except Him who is God and Lord of all [i.e. the Father, not Jesus], who also said to Moses, “I am that I am [i.e. the Father, not Jesus]. And thus shalt thou say to the children of Israel: He who is, hath sent me unto you;” and His Son Jesus Christ our Lord, who makes those that believe in His name the sons of God. And again, when the Son speaks to Moses, He says, “I am come down to deliver this people.”

For it is He who descended and ascended for the salvation of men. Therefore God has been declared through the Son, who is in the Father, and has the Father in Himself — He who is, the Father bearing witness to the Son, and the Son announcing the Father. As also Esaias says, “I too am witness,” he declares, “saith the Lord God, and the Son whom I have chosen, that ye may know, and believe, and understand that I am [Isaiah 43:10].” - Irenaeus, Against Heresies, Book III, VI, 2

I don't have the original Greek available of Irenaeus or Ignatius but I'm guessing you'll find that the "I am" of Isaiah 43:10 above is ego eimi that parallels John 8:58. The "He who is" in the above passage, used of the Father, will be ho on.

Perhaps talk of Trinitarian language (though the Holy Spirit is absent from mention of Father/Son in the above passage) would come in to play here but the Fathers do not draw a direct connection between Exodus 3:14 and John 8:58. From what I can tell the connection isn't made between Isaiah 43:10 and John 8:58 either.

Justin Martyr speaks in great detail of the burning bush incident in chapter LXIII of his First Apology of Justin but no connection to John 8:58 (which, perhaps, he didn't know).

I'm open to hearing thoughts on the above mentioned passages.

Quote:

...and secondly it doesn’t explain why the Jews being in the Temple courtyard “took up stones to stone him.” This reaction by Jewish leaders could only have been justified because they viewed Christ’s statement as blasphemy.(See Leviticus 24).

Maybe they misunderstood him. After all, they misunderstood him everywhere else in John's Gospel.

Quote:

Claiming to be YWVH (which is a Hebrew construction of the Hebrew form of EGO EIMI) would certainly constitute blasphemy. If Jesus was merely stating that he lived before Abraham (as JW’s contend), Jesus would have only been making a ridiculous claim. There is no Levitical Law that justifies the stoning of lunatics.

Again, maybe they misunderstood him. Or perhaps they understood that since only God pre-exists for Jesus to say he pre-existed meant he was making himself equal to God as John says elsewhere. Contextually, that makes a lot more sense then Jesus saying, "Before Abraham was, I am God" which makes no sense.

Quote:

My point to the Al Fatihah was, what Jesus claimed in John 8:58 would be analogous with a Muslim prophet walking into Mecca, and then standing in front of the Kaaba and yelling, “I am Allah!”

Are you saying Jesus said to the Jews, "I am God"?

Within the walls of a megachurch...

Well, we aren't a megachurch yet. We're one of the area's biggest churches having just added a several million dollar sanctuary with daycare, crying rooms, book store, etc. When I first immersed myself into the Christian path we were attending a rather exclusive, "Jesus only" church that longed to be a megachurch, hyping up its doctrine and its head pastor, envisioning a megachurch with resort-like facilities. That was ten years ago. It still hasn't come to pass. We haven't been there for almost ten years.

So we drifted, floated, in and out of a few churches of a smaller, more intimate nature we really grew to love. The "church" was the body of believers, not the body. We are currently at a church that believes the same. Yet we've seen it grow over the past five years and the spirit hasn't changed.

I now see why a church grows. It isn't intentional, it's not in the plan of the governing body, it's not some slick marketing or preaching. People come because they want to be there.

So I've had to eat my cynicism about the "megachurch" movement to an extent. I still can't help but feel that this trend has parallels in the early days of the Church/Empire when the Church became the largest landholder, somewhat of an oxymoron if you read the early book of Acts.

The church sends people out on a regular basis, missionaries go almost weekly and there are many small groups, all facilitated by members, not driven from the top down. There are five campuses under its umbrella. And giving and giving is a regular activity. Members have freedom. And it keeps growing. It is a natural progression, like any organization, that it had run out of space.

So now I sit in what may become a "megachurch".

I remain watchful, however, as sometimes organizations tend to take on a life of their own as they get larger. I've been in a company that grew from about 40 employees to hundreds and watched the distance between the head to the toe grow.

But I remain hopeful that if the church maintains its spirit, then not all megachurches are like those we hear about on teleivion, with the private jets, the multiple mansions and exotic vacations of the heads of the organization, where "blessing" is the equivalent of "material wealth." We are not at such a place.

And I pray that what we see in the media are the anomalies and thus the reason they generate interest. I'd rather be in a church that is all but invisible to "the world" but is quietly and intently doing the Lord's work. We are at such a place.

Am I just a user?

All this downloading...am I just a user, a taker, a hoarder?

I am feeding myself until full.

What am I giving back?

Is this gluttony?

Paul, Jesus and the Wisdom of Solomon

Wisdom of Solomon, Chapter 2:12-20:

"Therefore let us lie in wait for the righteous; because he is not for our turn, and he is clean contrary to our doings: he upbraideth us with our offending the law, and objecteth to our infamy the transgressings of our education.
He professeth to have the knowledge of God: and he calleth himself the child of the Lord.
He was made to reprove our thoughts.
He is grievous unto us even to behold: for his life is not like other men's, his ways are of another fashion.
We are esteemed of him as counterfeits: he abstaineth from our ways as from filthiness: he pronounceth the end of the just to be blessed, and maketh his boast that God is his father.
Let us see if his words be true: and let us prove what shall happen in the end of him.
For if the just man be the son of God, he will help him, and deliver him from the hand of his enemies.
Let us examine him with despitefulness and torture, that we may know his meekness, and prove his patience.
Let us condemn him with a shameful death: for by his own saying he shall be respected.

According to my Catholic NAB version these verses are "often applied to the Passion of our Lord; many have understood these verses as a direct prophecy."

There is one passage (highlighted in bold above) in particular that is of interest.

"Therefore the Jews sought the more to kill him, because he not only had broken the sabbath, but said also that God was his Father, making himself equal with God." (John 5:18)

The parallel is striking. Obviously, calling God the Father was not something new with Jesus. To what extent it was used I don't know. But it wasn't new. The writer of Wisdom wrote these words roughly 100 years prior to the advent of Jesus. Prophecy? Perhaps. Did the early Christians (e.g. Paul) know these verses, even if only orally? Did they influence or straight out make their way into their understanding of Jesus?

Seems to me there was a current of thought that existed, even if only orally, into which Jesus' life fit. A skeptic would say they conformed Jesus to fit this mold. A believer would simply say that Jesus lived the life that met the expectation many held.

Freedom from depression?

Still working on it...

Having been living with it for as long as I can remember, in hindsight much of it has to do with not getting my way. Perhaps my depression was simply that I was a spoiled brat. Self-centered, yes. I suppose we could argue I was a spoiled brat. Depends on what 'spoiled' means.

To truly be free it is vital to step outside of it.

There is no simple solution as to how to do this. It is a journey. It takes effort. Not medication. Damn pharmaceutical companies, teaching us to be a nation of legal addicts, numb to everything, enslaved to our medication, identified by our ailment. It's a lie.

The freedom is found, in facing it. Not medicating it. Not avoiding it, burying it, drowning it, running from it, distracting ourselves from it; not wallowing in it, not swimming in it, not allowing it to become our identity.

Sourcing the cause. Mine happened to be a traumatic incident that was a defining moment that set the trajectory of my life at an early age. Retracing the steps and realizing, like the proverbial "butterfly effect" just how this set life in motion and, as best possible, healing, forgiving those who hurt you and seeking forgiveness from those you have hurt. Most importantly, forgive yourself.

So what have I learned (even I don't always accomplish what I set out to do...)?

Doing for others, not out of lack, but out of abundance. Volunteer. Do social work. Pick up litter. Anything for someone or something else without expectation of some self gratification.

Exercising, not to place value on body image but to feel the thrill of disicpline and the bonus endorphin rush.

Learning to see the beauty in the little things, like a rainbow or children playing football in the front yard. Get out of self.

Seeking God. Not like some glorified genie in a bottle to do our bidding but to truly transform us inside out, to help us to see ourselves as He sees us. Cast your cares upon Him and have Him reflect back to you reality.

It may be painful as He may not cast the darkness out of you but may just shine light into the darkness. After all, He walks with us through the shadow of death. We have to walk through it. But He is there with us to help us to face it for once we come out of this darkness, we walk out of the fear.

Dealing with depression requires honesty, reality, tough decisions. Recognize it for what it is: self-absorption. This is not to judge it. This is to point out that there is a source of this self-absorption. It may be one event or a series of events or just an accumulation of life experiences.

But it does not have to define who you are.

Depression...

Complete self-absorption.

It's really that simple. Depression basically says "It's all about me." Even though that "me" may be filled with fear, shame, self-hatred, self-loating or self-pity (all of which are self-centered) and may draw sympathy, it's still an act of self-absorption. It's a protective sheath.

Anger turned inwards? Perhaps. But tagging it as 'anger' in some ways provides a justification for it, as if a good reason legitimizes it and provides an excuse for it to continue.

What is the source of this anger? Lack of control? Lack of getting one's way? Helplessness? Futility? Perhaps any or all of these. It's the assertion of power misdirected, i.e. turned inwards.

If someone suffered abuse at an early age and this leads, in later life, to depression, is it not quite simply because power has been taken away?

This isn't necessarily the power to rule the world but to say that this "power" (or, if preferred, energy) would be channeled into having some say in controlling one's destiny. When this power is taken away, the vortex is the source of pain taking this power and absorbing it into a "self" which is a protected, isolated black hole.

This power may leak out in many ways - through artistic endeavor, through anger, through addiction - but it is generally not disciplined. The one in such a state is at the "mercy" of the mystery that lies in this black hole and thus the genius that often arises from it. It is a "mystery" larger then self even though it is self-contained or restricted by one's self. It is the uncontrolled and undisciplined nature of this energy that leads to the highs and lows of genius. The 'self' is at the whim of the extremes.

Afraid to let go...

I feel this bursting in my soul but I can't seem to fully let go, to fully surrender. I still wish to cling to an understanding of it, to intellectualize it, rationalize it, hold on to it, control it.

Perhaps it's supposed to be that way, a "roping in" of our faculties rather than abandoning them completely.

"We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ..." (2 Corinthians 10:5, NASB)

It's something I have to reconcile as rather than giving us comfort, intellectualizing everything actually separates us.

The view that we can "objectively" view the universe actually gives us a position of power that we are somehow above it, better than it.

Hasn't quantum physics taught us something similar? Understanding that quantum physics and religion are not the same (though in man's search for meaning they run parallel paths toward the same goal), it's interesting that in the theoretical world of quantum physics (which has real-world consequences) similar conclusions are drawn man's presence in the search for truth can actually affect what results are seen.

The healing power of song...

I love it when musicians speak of real experience that the rest of us experience, even after becoming Christians. There is a tendency to put on a show, to believe that we are alone, that no one else struggles with the horrible thoughts and feelings that plague our souls. "Secular" music often lacks that certain something "Christian" music sings of -- hope.

I've had these two Kirk Franklin songs looping for the past two hours, trying to root out this clawing at my soul, causing me to surrender my peace and give in to the urges of the flesh. It really is a battle for my soul. It is my responsibility and my choice. This has been the theme of the past three services at church. I need to stop running and settling.

"Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?
Over what my mama said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page again

[Chorus:]

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...
Imagine me

Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world (in a world) where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fear’s gone away
Can you imagine me?

[Bridge:]

Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again

[Chorus x2]

[Vamp:]

Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone

Spoken:

This song is dedicated to people like me
Those that struggle with insecurities, acceptance and even self esteem.
You never felt good enough
You never felt pretty enough.
But imagine God whispering in your ear
Letting you know that everything that has happened is now...

...gone.

Every sin (gone)
Every mistake (gone)
Every failure (gone)
Depression (gone)
By faith (gone)
Low self esteem (gone)

All my scars (gone)
All my pain (gone)

It's in the past (gone)
It's yesterday (gone)

What your mother did (gone)
What your faither did (gone)

Hallelujia. All gone..."

Kirk Franklin, "Imagine Me"

The power of song...

One of the most open and powerful songs I've ever heard, probably because it speaks directly to much of my life's experience. His clever use of Tears for Fears' "Shout" hooks the listener.

"My mama gave me up when I was four years old
She didn't destroy my body but she killed my soul
Now it's cold 'cause I'm sleeping in my back seat
Understand the spirit's willing but my flesh is weak
(let him speak) let me speak, I never had a chance to dream

Ten years old finding love in dirty magazines
Ms. December you remember I bought you twice
Now I'm thirty plus and still paying the price
Had a sister that I barely knew
Kind of got separated by the age of two
Same mama different daddy so we couldn't fake it
I saw my sister's daddy beat her in the tub naked

Take it serious the demons in the man's mind
The same daddy with rape charges now he's doing time
Crack followed and like daddy prison thirteen years
Haven't her but she's traded tears for fears

[Chorus]

Shout. Shout
Let it all out
These are the things I can do without
So come on
I'm talking to you
So come on

Sex was how I made it through
Without someone to teach you love what else is there to do?
So where I'm from they call you gay and say you ain't a man
Show them you ain't no punk
Get all the girls you can
A simple plan that still haunts me even now today

Back to seventeen and got a baby on the way
NO G.E.D. all I see is failure in my eyes
If you listening then remember I apologize

I was raised falling in the church
Made mistakes heard the Lord's calling in the church
After service on the parking lot getting high
Wanted to be accepted so bad I was willing to die
Even tried to tell the pastor but he couldn't see
Years of low self esteem and insecurities
Church taught me how to shout and how to speak in tongues
But preacher teach me how to live now when the tongue is done, help me

[Chorus]

See I'm. See I'm
Soul survivor. Soul survivor
World survivor
I just wanna let it go
World survivor, soul survivor
Just wanna let it go

Jesus please on my knees can't you hear my crying
You said to put it in your hands and lord I'm really trying
You wasn't lying when you said you'd reap what you sow

Like that night mama died
Hard to let it go
You adopted me
Cared for me
And changed my name

But I cursed at you
Lied to you
Left your pain

It's not strange I can still see it in my head
To know for hours you were laying in that bed

If you listening to this record,
If it's day our night
If your mama still living treat your mama right

Don't be like me and let that moment slip away
And be careful cause you can't take back what you say

To my real mama if you listening I'm letting it go
To my father I forgive you 'cause you didn't know

The pain was preparation for my destiny
And one more thing lord let my son be a better man than me."

Kirk Franklin, "Let It Go"

Worship music or the coffee?

So I'm sitting at work, feeling quite soulical and burdened by the cares of this life. Got bills out the wazoo, lots of things needing fixing, things we can't do that need done, struggling with angst and the thoughts in my head, and I'm realizing that quite often listening to music that feeds this doesn't help me out of it. I feel the sympathy inherent in the music and it comforts to a degree.

So I decided to listen to my "Christ mix", all the songs that have great meaning for me for a variety of reasons, and as the hour rolls on I find my spirit lifted. Or is it the coffee? Could be both but the music has dusted off the cobwebs and has provided me a level of peace in the midst of the mess.

I Can Only Imagine - Mercy Me (how can you not like this song?)
Rescue - Jared Anderson (played frequently during missions video at church)
Let It Rise - Big Daddy Weave (phenomenal worship song at church)
Lord Have Your Way In Me - Hillsong (mellowing)
How Great Is Our God - Chris Tomlin (makes me cry, aware of the depths of my sin and the grace, mercy and love of God)
To Worship You I Live - Israel Houghton (pure worship)
Worship Medley:Holy Ground/Holy Holy Holy/Alleluia - Israel Houghton
Alpha and Omega - Israel Houghton
Victory - Yolanda Adams (uplifting)
Imagine Me - Kirk Franklin (speaks right to the heart)
Let It Go - Kirk Franklin (my song)
You Never Let Go - Matt Redman (a reminder)

Quite a diverse mix, very much like my musical muttness. Muttness simply means that I embrace difference while at the same time recognizing its unique character, fuondation and purpose.

Music musings...

I was watching Portishead's DVD of their performance in 1997 at the Roseland in New York City. Incredible performance. I really like their sound. It's dark, moody, trippy (of course), noirish, all those words that have been used to describe their music. But it was a different kind of enjoyment, almost an intellectualization of it, a recognition of brilliance. I realized, about halfway through, that it is soulical, for lack of a better word, confined to this world.

Not a bad thing, mind you. I say that in comparison to my experiences during worship. It isn't that the worship music is necessarily different but there is something in the lyrics, the corporate worship and the aim of the music that sets it apart. It "lifts" my soul, quite literally, from this world. I'm still here but it elevates the experience here. It digs deep, stirs up all that is within, and carries it upward. It is cleansing, humbling, moving, stirring on a spiritual plane. Somehow it transcends in a way that "secular" music does not.

Secular music speaks from experience, telling a story from the soul. Somehow "spiritual" music circumvents this and sweeps underneath it all and blows it away, even if only for a moment, transforming our perception of our experience and purpose here. It is an ascent toward love.

There is thus a contrast between music such as that of Portishead and that of the music heard during worship. I'm not saying one is better than the other but there is a contrast.

As time has gone on, certain music that used to speak to me just doesn't speak to me anymore. I don't judge it. I'm just not there anymore. I gravitated from the Pink Floyd kind of darkness to the darker rage that would find a voice in groups such as Guns n Roses, Rage Against the Machine and Nirvana (all of whom seem 'pop' by today's standards).

I hear these groups today and it is a distant memory. Even some of the other groups I've enjoyed in the not too distant past are falling away. Mazzy Star, Morphine, Concrete Blonde and some others that used to drive me have lost their hold. Slowly, it seems, the same is happening with many of the techno artists that have buoyed me along.

I "want" to be into them, on the inside of the "cool", but am simply not there. So I experience it from an intellectual distance. I can't embrace them completely because I have heard a voice that speak over and above anything these artists ultimately say.

They may place into words temporary, "soulical" experiences, but they are not able to help me transcend the very things of which they speak. Poetry, certainly, even brilliant, genius, in many cases, but not transcendent.

I have a selection of lyrics from "secular" songs that have struck me which I will compile should the mood ever strike.

The car situation - update...

Two new(er) cars. Purchased a 2003 Toyota Camry with 60,000 miles on it. Probably paid way too much money for it but we're hoping to drive it forever, basically. Pay it off, own it.

Still have the Tercel. Had to replace the muffler over the summer. Hit some pretty big roadkill, ripped the exhaust off from the manifold. Had to fork over $350 to fix the whole system. Good thing as it got louder as it continues to lose compression. Have to put it in idle at traffic lights or it stalls. Can't go above 55 mph without fear of the thing blowing up. No radio at all.

I can get $100 to scrap it out. A few months back it would have netted $200.

The good news is that, through familial vehicular attrition, I am in receipt of a 1997 Dodge Dakota pickup truck. It's a beast, with big ass tires and an NRA bumper sticker to boot. 101,000 miles. 12-15 mpg. There's irony in this somewhere. But I am truly grateful as breathing exhaust fumes every day in the Tercel probably wasn't so good for my health.

Obama...

I, for one, am a happy camper. The "mutt" majority has spoken. Obama is a mutt. The majority of this country is "mutt" as opposed to the other half which, by and large, looks, thinks and acts the same (think "red state"), a large percentage of these which would be the evangelical Christians so duped in the last election. Awfully quiet this year, this group. Good.

"Vote the Bible" in their language means only one issue matters. Doesn't matter that thousands of Iraqis, Afghanis and other innocents have been massacred. For some reason, their lives have less value than those of unborn babies. It isn't that one is greater than the other. That's the point. All lives have the same value. This amalgamation of Christianity and Americanism - that Americanity that is the true religion of the U.S. - is a dangerous thing.

Maybe, just maybe, Obama's election will inspire others to think differently about our place in the world. Maybe we will realize that we are in fact only a part of the world, a highly symbolic one, certainly, but still a part - not the whole - of the world.

When talking about what kind of dog they would get (amazing the things that concern us, isn't it?), he mentioned the possibility of getting a mutt, like him. You go Obama! Speak for the rest of us.

An interesting commentary today about the potential of the re-emergence of thought in government, rather than the dumbass tone of the Bush administration, sparked my curiosity. It's encouraging that people may welcome intellectual rigor in making decisions.

A Government That Actually Thinks?

I voted for Obama. Gladly. Watched the elections from 7:00 p.m. until 1:30 a.m. Glady. Never once wavered, never once questioned, never once doubted. Do I think he can be the saviour of the world?

No. I'm not so naive. It's just that this election has shown that America is tired of the arrogance, the greed, the insanity, the bland whiteness of the way things have been for the past eight years.

Obama represents what America is.

Bush & Co. represent what America was.

Obama simply gives a face to the previously silent majority. The mutts have spoken. I remain something I have not felt about our representative government in eight years - hopeful.