Bottoming out again...

How can this be? After such a spiritual rush the past few weeks, it seems odd that I am feeling so low now. Has my perception changed? Am I being an ungrateful brat again? Were the past few weeks an illusion of the ego, a rush of emotion high on intellectual stimuli?

I really don't know.

All I know is that I feel lower now than I have in a long time. I suppose it is a step better than being completely numb, a state I had been in a for a long time previously. Maybe this is a necessary step of the epurging of the ego, a stripping of desire, not just to be free of stuff but to be free of attachment that makes us slave to emotions whether or good or bad. After all, there is a payoff to being in a bad mood, a reason to isolate ourselves, to crave attention and comfort either from others from whom we seek sympathy or solace or channeling these feelings into various forms of distractions.

We could channel the energy into positive things such as washing the dishes or exercise but how often we thrive on the mood itself because it gives us feeling.

Given the choice between being numb or in a bad mood, which would we prefer? Which makes us feel more alive?

Every so often, a single line from a song contains a universe within it, open to many interpretations. One of my favorite song lyrics ever is from the Goo Goo Doll's Iris:

"When everything seems like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive."

Not sure what it means within the context of the song and am not sure it is about literal bleeding, even going so far as to analyze it in the context of cutting, as such, but it certainly captures the surreality of modern life. It's about numbness, certainly, but it seems to me to be more about the fact that most of us live our lives not here, not now, but in some illusion we buy into that is a work of fiction created from within and without.

Personally I hate being in a bad mood but I suppose I should listen to the energy of the mood and dig more deeply into why it is so. It isn't the event that put me in the bad mood necessarily as there was something already there triggered by the event.

That is the level we must get to in order to really move beyond being slave to the emotions. What lies beneath the veneer? Why am I so agitated, my mood so altered, by something that in the course of things really doesn't matter?

Is worry just lack of faith?

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, {as to} what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, {as to} what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?" (Matthew 6:25, Luke 12:22, cf. Matthew 6:31-34)

The Greek word for 'worried' means anxious, troubled with cares, care or provide for. The term does not render judgment to being anxious or troubled with cares. But caring takes energy. The Greek term for no (me) is used in the sense of "don't even think about it" rather than a negation of the thing itself. In other words, don't dwell on the concern. Concern and care is the human condition. We aren't to deny these things or feel guilt over them but are not to dwell upon them for where we focus, there are our concerns.

This is why Jesus tell us to seek first the kingdom of heaven. In so doing, the cares of this world will not consume us. When focusing on the cares of this world, it is too easy to be consumed and dragged down.

That is the goal.

But how do we do it that when the bills are piling up, when the job security is disappearing, when the bill collectors are daily at your door, when food is scarce and everything seems to be slipping away?

We often feel guilt when worrying, as if in so doing we lack faith. Perhaps in an idealistic sense, we have not yet attained that perfect faith. But it doesn't mean we lack faith. It isn't so black and white; it's more of a continuum.

Perhaps what worried us in the past doesn't worry us today and so our faith is actually stronger than it used to be but it isn't quite strong enough to bypass the worries of today. Perhaps in days to come what worries us today will not worry us tomorrow, even though the circumstances themselves may be no different.

So the kingdom of heaven, whatever that is, should be our focus. That is the goal. Without a goal of some kind we drift and are blown about like the wind, consumed with the things of this world which are never ending and are never resolving, any comfort and solace found only temporary.

The human soul longs for something long lasting, something eternal, absolute. It is what drives us and the reason that "things" never satisfy. In focusing on the kingdom of heaven, we help alleviate the problem of attachment and desire.

It is the desire, the craving, that is the trouble and it is freedom from desire that is one of the true commonalities of all religious traditions.

First the high, then the low...

And so it goes that with a great revelation, a great experience in the presence of God that we come back "down" and find ourselves feeling alone. So great an experience comes with the withdrawal.

There is a great desire to share the experience but a sadness that comes in the inability to express it. Living it takes time and we seek the immediacy of talking about it and the disappointment that follows in our inability and lack of response from those to whom we talk about it.

And this is the ego talking. And this is the great trip up. We take pride in our experience and feel privileged, special. This isn't to say that we aren't those things but the trick of the ego is to isolate them and take them and hoard them out o need, desire, lack. We seek to make them "our" experience.

The difficulty comes in remaining humble. Just as we are not to react to negative circumstances or things that happen that make us uncomfortable, so too must we remain the same when we experience great things. This isn't to say we mustn't experience the joy as it is a Biblical injunction that we are to experience the "joy of the Lord" but to say that we must not dwell on it. Whatever we experience, whatever we feel, we must continue to move on.

Remember it, meditate on it, even share the lesson learned, but do not stay there as to stay there is to risk becoming static, allowing pride to puff up our ego, our intellect, the feeling of somehow being above others leads to us separating and isolating us from others.

I have been feeling low. Having had such a great experience over the past few weeks I let my guard down and allowed my ego to get the best of me, allowing myself to be frustrated which is just another way of saying being selfish and spoiled. I'm not getting what I want right now so I'm frustrated.

What is it I felt I wanted? Attention, profound writing, more attention, accomplishment, freedom from seemingly dead end work.

But what I really want is God. And this requires faith. Faith = trust. So my impatience is really a lack of trust.

And that, my friends, is humbling.

There is hope...

In looking back at the distorted filter through which I perceived my life, I realize that there was a moment where hope burst through. It had always been there; I couldn't see it. I was not abused at home. I came from a very loving home, well protected, solid roots. But I was unable to receive nor give love except out of lack. I created a persona that was real on some level but there was a soul sucking force beneath me that bled this persona, a constant battle waging in my soul, depression, sarcasm, cynicism all protective barriers, ammunition against anyone seeking to get in.

Yet there is hope. I entered the stream, to use Buddhist parlance, in early 1994 at a Youth Hostel in Kellogg, Idaho, light bursting through my soul at the top of Yosemite Falls in Yosemite National Park. It fell upon deep, dark soil. However, the thorns and the weeds surrounding this seed was choking the life out of me, trying to prevent the seed from growing.

But it took root. I now had a new frame of reference, an experience to which I could refer that was positive, uplifting, ultimate, blissful even. It was a pivotal moment.

Dealing with the past...

When a wound from the past takes you back thirty years and when that wound is exposed, opened wide to the bright light of day, and then healed, there is a long process that comes because there are thirty years of scars that have had the band aids, those former identities, removed.

It is incredible to look and see exactly how that impacted every decision I have ever made, perhaps not directly to each situation but, due to the frame of mind and state of my soul, decisions were made through a distorted filter, stemming from a bottomless darkness.

Hurt people hurt people.

But once light enters and exposes the depths of that darkness, displacing it, suddenly everything becomes clear. No longer does the mystery have a hold on you, no longer are decisions made unaware. Decisions can be made from a positive place, rather than a no place.

Rather than consumers, takers, users, we are able to give, to share, to love.

Freedom from depression?

Still working on it...

Having been living with it for as long as I can remember, in hindsight much of it has to do with not getting my way. Perhaps my depression was simply that I was a spoiled brat. Self-centered, yes. I suppose we could argue I was a spoiled brat. Depends on what 'spoiled' means.

To truly be free it is vital to step outside of it.

There is no simple solution as to how to do this. It is a journey. It takes effort. Not medication. Damn pharmaceutical companies, teaching us to be a nation of legal addicts, numb to everything, enslaved to our medication, identified by our ailment. It's a lie.

The freedom is found, in facing it. Not medicating it. Not avoiding it, burying it, drowning it, running from it, distracting ourselves from it; not wallowing in it, not swimming in it, not allowing it to become our identity.

Sourcing the cause. Mine happened to be a traumatic incident that was a defining moment that set the trajectory of my life at an early age. Retracing the steps and realizing, like the proverbial "butterfly effect" just how this set life in motion and, as best possible, healing, forgiving those who hurt you and seeking forgiveness from those you have hurt. Most importantly, forgive yourself.

So what have I learned (even I don't always accomplish what I set out to do...)?

Doing for others, not out of lack, but out of abundance. Volunteer. Do social work. Pick up litter. Anything for someone or something else without expectation of some self gratification.

Exercising, not to place value on body image but to feel the thrill of disicpline and the bonus endorphin rush.

Learning to see the beauty in the little things, like a rainbow or children playing football in the front yard. Get out of self.

Seeking God. Not like some glorified genie in a bottle to do our bidding but to truly transform us inside out, to help us to see ourselves as He sees us. Cast your cares upon Him and have Him reflect back to you reality.

It may be painful as He may not cast the darkness out of you but may just shine light into the darkness. After all, He walks with us through the shadow of death. We have to walk through it. But He is there with us to help us to face it for once we come out of this darkness, we walk out of the fear.

Dealing with depression requires honesty, reality, tough decisions. Recognize it for what it is: self-absorption. This is not to judge it. This is to point out that there is a source of this self-absorption. It may be one event or a series of events or just an accumulation of life experiences.

But it does not have to define who you are.

Depression...

Complete self-absorption.

It's really that simple. Depression basically says "It's all about me." Even though that "me" may be filled with fear, shame, self-hatred, self-loating or self-pity (all of which are self-centered) and may draw sympathy, it's still an act of self-absorption. It's a protective sheath.

Anger turned inwards? Perhaps. But tagging it as 'anger' in some ways provides a justification for it, as if a good reason legitimizes it and provides an excuse for it to continue.

What is the source of this anger? Lack of control? Lack of getting one's way? Helplessness? Futility? Perhaps any or all of these. It's the assertion of power misdirected, i.e. turned inwards.

If someone suffered abuse at an early age and this leads, in later life, to depression, is it not quite simply because power has been taken away?

This isn't necessarily the power to rule the world but to say that this "power" (or, if preferred, energy) would be channeled into having some say in controlling one's destiny. When this power is taken away, the vortex is the source of pain taking this power and absorbing it into a "self" which is a protected, isolated black hole.

This power may leak out in many ways - through artistic endeavor, through anger, through addiction - but it is generally not disciplined. The one in such a state is at the "mercy" of the mystery that lies in this black hole and thus the genius that often arises from it. It is a "mystery" larger then self even though it is self-contained or restricted by one's self. It is the uncontrolled and undisciplined nature of this energy that leads to the highs and lows of genius. The 'self' is at the whim of the extremes.

Day 1

I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Blogging. I suppose it was inevitable. Got thoughts, lots of them, lots of thoughts that won't come up in normal conversation. What to do? Publish them for the anonymous masses to peruse, displaying what McLuhan hinted at when he said that our media are really our insides turned out.

I have come to realize that I am a mutt and proudly so. I tend not to be bound by convention. I'm no longer trying to be rebellious as a rebel is often slave to the very thing from which he rebels.

I am currently immersed in the midst of a spiritual/religious phase that has been ongoing most of my life, though more intensely so since circa 1996 as at that point I committed myself to (attempting to) be a Christian. But, as with most things, it wasn't too much longer after that that I found I had issues with the group think required to belong. So I'm on the outside of the inside looking in.

If I were to trace my interest in spirituality it would probably go back to hearing of God from childhood and living the majority of my life with fear, not reverence, associated with the word, as if "God" was out to get me, to punish me for being the mischievous person I was. In hindsight I realize that my self loathing and self absorption were manifestations of a narcissism that led me to believe that God was out to get me.

Self loathing and its manifestation as, in my case, depression were and are ultimately egoistic grasps at attention, sucking life out of the universe to satisfy in insatiable inner need, a bottomless vortex, akin to arrogance, both cries for help, both self-absorption to a distorted degree. I'm not sure when it started but at some point I found myself drawn to the eastern (from my western location) religions. This was probably more out of the appearance of being exotic, the hippy-dippy kind of thing I found myself gravitating toward.

In the late 80s I began stepping out of my comfort zone, aching for opportunities to break free from the suburban cultural Wonderbread in which I had been living. I was introduced to "New Age" music which, at the time, was a far cry from the big hair bands as the approved form of rebellion in suburbia. Such artists as Jean Michael Jarre, Kitaro and the Windham Hill catalogue became staples. In hindsight, these were as white bread as the big hair bands.

Eventually, circa 1991 or so, I would find the Dao De Jing, purchasing it because it seemed exotic, mysterious, enigmatic, cool. I would carry it with me, read it on the john, never really getting it. It was during this time that my drinking got heavier and I rendered myself an alcoholic, going cold turkey, substituting various chemicals in its stead. This would lead to a break with reality (i.e. leaving a $50,000 a year job to hit the road...literally). The little DDJ accompanied me in my travels.

Sitting in a rocking chair on a balcony at a youth hostel in Idaho one evening, the sun setting, in a moment, the entire book made sense. It was truly an epiphany. I can't remember which chapter I was reading but it was as if a flood gate opened. Quite literally, in that moment, I "got" it. The book suddenly made complete sense. I would be forever changed, my struggling in the confines of duality rendered asunder.