I don't know that this will really ever get read but I feel the need to get it out.
I used to write stories - long stories - about shooting up my school. They were detailed, graphic, and person specific.
In hindsight, I can tell you exactly why. I suffered sexual abuse at a very young age. From that moment on everything changed. My innocence was lost. Internalizing everything, I withdrew, became angry, bitter, depressed.
And my defense was sarcasm, pornography, alcohol and, eventually, drug abuse.
I internalized everything deeper and deeper. But the rage was there and the rage continued to build.
Fortunately I have the ability to put my thoughts and feeling into words on a page. So I did. And I wrote stories. Lots of stories. Many were "pornographic" in nature (fueled mostly by the Penthouse forum and Cinemax friday nights) but many were fantasies of mass murders at my school.
Were I alive today and those stories to be found, I might find myself in the company of those deemed troubled children.
I was troubled, certainly. I know how to shoot guns. I had access to them (though not the arsenal than many troubled youngsters have today).
I was bullied. Granted, my sarcasm didn't help matters. But I was picked on. Not excessively, not horribly, but enough. And it perpetuated the loathing, loneliness and rage.
I listened to "angry" music (heavy metal, though tame by today's standards) and would immerse myself in the world of music. Rock concerts, a loud stereo, freedom from having my own car (having worked summers to sustain it).
Every chance I got I would take long drives into the night.
I had a loving family, a good family and wanted for nothing. There was friction there but nothing out of the ordinary, the typical drama between a strong father and a son trying to find his way.
So I had escapes. But the struggle with addictions would last well into my thirties and would leave me emotionally damaged and still in the process of healing.
Had I channeled my energy into the addiction of 'violence' I may have taken a different route. I may not have channeled my anger inwards and abused myself, I may have channeled it externally and harmed others.
So I understand, to a point, what drives someone over the edge.
But would I have gone beyond the page and actually done it? Obviously, I didn't.
But could I have? I really think it possible.
This is not a sob story. Far from it. It's a very present reality and, sadly, there really are no easy solutions and will most likely continue unabated until we get to the root cause of our ailments.
Laws won't fix anything; more guns won't fix anything.
Only the Truth sets an individual on the road to freedom.
If you've read my blog I think you'll get a good idea of where I find that Truth.
If not, hit me up.
