Fumbling Toward Insolvency, The Terms Are In

Met with the 203k approved loan provider. It's a re-finance with the repairs included at 97% of the value of the home at the end of the loan term. 

The interest rate, HUD backed, is roughly 6-7% which is 2-3% higher than my current 15-year mortgage. Tack on $7K in closing costs and roll it into 30 years and holy crap that's a lot of interest to pay for home repairs. 

I've got a home equity LOC at almost 10% that will cover some of the repairs and can do some credit card dancing for the next few years but that will destroy by debt ratio and my credit score with it and will tack on extra balance transfer fees as I shuffle the balances around though that will be far less than the interest I'll be paying. 

This is a pretty major decision as it will put all future large purchases to a grinding halt and will throw a car lease ending in March will add even more pain. 

For someone who doesn't care about 'stuff' how did I end up here? I have some answers but not all of them. 

The root cause has to do with decisions made in weakness or out of lack or because it's what I thought we are supposed to do rather than a well thought out plan.

The journey continues...

Losing My Religion

"There's somethin' happening here

What it is ain't exactly clear."

Well, damn. I am losing my religion. It's an intellectual curiosity at the moment, a place of comfort, but I'm not sure I actually believe it.

I may be influenced by the American culture around me but the whole political religious thing has me nauseated. So too the fluffy, moral therapeutic deism that passes for faith. Or the tendency toward Oneness and the overemphasis of the baptism in the Holy Spirit, as if that is the whole point.

I dunno, something is missing. And I'm bored with it.

In fact, I've gone back, if you will, to my Dao De Jing and various Zen books to shake me out of it.

Could be a symptom of what's been going on personally, I acknowledge this, but I have no interest right now in setting foot back in church.

And that prophecy is messing with my head. This body? This church? I don't want to be there so am I falling away from the faith?

Is that why all this is happening? Am I back to third grade theology that it's all about me and if bad things are happening it's punishment? Sure feels that way.

Fumbling Toward Insolvency, The Saga Continues

This is the week we meet with our financial advisor on the 203k. After the cop drama from last week, curious to see where this one goes.

Still no resolve on the immigration front and time is rapidly running out or, more accurately, time is running more and more toward a multi-thousand dollar attorney bill.

We did schedule vacation for the Fall to head West for a story I've been tracking for 20 years. Can't really afford it but it's something of a last hurrah that may sustain us should things take a turn for the worse come first of the year. 

I remain hopeful but tire of waiting on people. This is part of the curse of the INTJ and the reason we will learn something in order to become self-sufficient and independent of relying on others to accomplish things. I'm sure we miss out on relating when we do this but after trust is broken a few times by some opportunists, mistrust turns into self-suffiency which can breed more mistrust in a never ending cycle.

The saga continues...

Fumbling Toward Insolvency (Part 6)

Came to understand why one of the lenders hasn't called me back.

We are pursuing a 203k loan through HUD to see if we can roll up all the repairs needed into a refinance option for the home and take out another 30 year loan at a reasonable interest rate rather than a set term with a much higher payment. 

The company seems to be the only one approved by HUD and it is based in a house outside of the main avenue of town. A little, uh, non-traditional but we're going to go with it to see where it leads.

Finally get a call back after last week's canceled appointment and come to find out the individual with whom we are to be working spent the weekend in jail after having been charged with a potential first degree finally involving alcohol, a police officer and a dog bite in the a**. Literally.

Is this a sign not to deal with them? 

Or was this individual removed and we'll get better service? 

The journey continues...

Fumbling Toward Insolvency (Part 5)

The journey continues...

Even banks don't want anything to do with us. We don't receive callbacks, especially after disclosing all the financial information regarding the house.

Current value is just under $60K, we owe just about half that on the mortgage. Essential are about half of what we owe, realistic repairs and upgrades needed to make the house saleable total about what the house is valued at.

Even the buy your house for cash people won't return our calls and I've tried several.

We are stuck in the middle. If we don't fix it, it's only a matter of time before it become uninhabitable; if we do fix it, we will be paying on it until we die.

I suppose we could abandon it and flee the country never to return but that won't happen, unless we are forced to for other reasons.

What a strange journey this has been.

And we've booked a flight to California to trace another story that has been evolving for 20 years which peaked about a year ago when I found a connection to the story which dates back to 1932, still living and still well. I am nervous and thrilled at this, even though we can't really afford it.

But there is a window of opportunity and I'd rather not live with the regret. 

My dog is 13 and is showing signs of age, some days better than others. 

New grandbaby, not sure I envisioned all of this when I set out but it is the reality we face. Rather than run, I am trying to embrace it and walk through it in hopes that on the other side is a story worth sharing. 

Fumbling Toward Insolvency (Part 4)

The finances are taking a toll on the relationship.

There are things we (or is that I?) want to do and right now we can't do them. We can't even go out to eat without it being painful. Every dollar spent on 'entertainment' is one less dollar toward our goal. 

Beyond paying off debt, which is the most essential goal as it is the most detrimental, there are desires we have, places we'd like to go, things we'd like to see and even people we'd like to be able to help.

A January court date will cost $3K just for the lawyer road trip alone, not to mention the hours and hours of work involved in gathering up documentation and researching for the appearance, as well as all the work involved on our end should it go forward. Quite daunting and the local work being done is not panning out and our patience, and time, is rapidly running out.

And no one really seems to give a rip.

No one calls us back for the trenchwork, sewer replacement work, quotes are not what we were led to believe they were, insurance doesn't cover any of the work that needs done, need new tires before winter, can't afford an oil change and the pressure is mounting daily.

Fumbling toward insolvency is more like waiting for it all to collapse.

I'm tired.

Perhaps I should stop with the false sense of God 'doing' something for us and just flow with the Dao and let it all go.

Fumbling Toward Insolvency (Part 3)

The estimates are in:

$14,000 to excavate and replace the broken main drain and run a liner

$8,000 for downspouts around the house

$4,000 to replace the front porch 

$4,000 to add to the back porch to prevent water running to the house 

$20,000 to support basement walls and install drainage

On the wish list:

$10,000 to replace bathroom

The kicker:

House is worth $70K if we are lucky. We owe half that on the mortgage.

Insurance covers none of this.

Buy your house for cash companies don't even want the house.

The Dao De Jing has lately been ringing in my ear:

Lay plans for the accomplishment of the difficult before it becomes difficult; Make something big by starting with it when small. Difficult things in the world must needs have their beginnings in the easy; Big things must needs have their beginnings in the small. - Chapter 63, D.C. Lau translation

Often, from a theist perspective, we are called to pray through the difficult but sometimes we miss the common sense and it is here where I find the Dao finds resonance. Perhaps there is something in Proverbs or Ecclesiastes to align with this but I struggle here when these problems of our own doings and our own choices.

I post all of the above not for doom and gloom but to look at it and face it, in print, not completely without hope, but wondering how we got here.

I won't bore you with other details such as immigration and other debts that were accumulated in fashions worthy of a 'how not to' book but I'm reminded of a Talking Heads song and there is something comforting in the absurdity of it all:

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by, water flowing underground

Into the blue again, after the money's gone

Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground

Fumbling Toward Insolvency, Continued

Talked with a financing company yesterday about a 203k option. I know nothing about this but the goal is to roll my mortgage payment into the entire repair bill for one loan with one monthly lump sum payment extended out as far as possible with the lowest interest rate possible.

Considering that my mortgage currently sits at 4% for the remainder of a 15 year loan I'm not sure this is advantageous, especially if the loan rate is upwards of 10%. It would all depend on the length of the loan and the total amount that will get paid over time.

This stuff gets complicated quickly.

Or do we use the equity line of credit sitting at a $0 balance currently just to get things underway with the eventual balance transfer to a 0% option (which is what we did roughly a year ago).

Can't tell you how many 0% balance transfers we've done over the years. While the 3 to 5% charge hurts it is far less painful than the monthly interest charges we'd otherwise incur.

Do we do the 0% same as cash for 18 months option in hopes that we can do a balance transfer (assuming enough of a credit line) before it expires and the interest is tacked on if not paid off?

And in the midst of this what will the immigration issue cost?

For that moment of gratefulness in the midst? We have not had to face this:

http://www.wfmj.com/clip/14833673/boardman-canfield-clean-up-after-flooding

There is no gloating in this. During a heavy rain, the street in front of our house will flood. I've literally woken up in the morning to find cars stalled out in it.

I feel their pain and feel the weight of the concern every time it rains.

The journey continues...

Fumbling Toward Insolvency

The journey into financial insolvency continues. I say this not out of desperation but out of facing the reality before us.

First, the good news.

I am currently employed and at the moment we are sustaining with our current debt load, making progress albeit slowly. We still have a home and two working vehicles and overall our health and mental state is good. We have food on our table and a solid support system of family and friends. 

As for the essentials, we are blessed and in this we remain grateful.

So why put my business out here? Several reasons. Therapy is one. Why to the public at large (even if never read)? There is something 'honest' about just putting it out there. As a hardcore INTJ whose business has always been private there is something intoxicating about this. Is this when INTJs flip out because their plans went completely off the rails and that foundational level of planning and comfort is shot? 

Maybe someone will relate and even find help in the shared journey or, assuming we make our way out of it, hope in the same.

Maybe, just maybe, others out there have been in similar situations and can provide help, advice or even some guidance. 

Part of it is to simply trace the journey to wherever it may lead.

An $8,000 credit card charge that arose shockingly with about 15 minutes to decide whether or not to pay it threw off the entire plan to have all credit card debts paid off by the end of 2019.

Add to that another financial issue which added another $5,000 and a reduction in income of roughly $400 per month toward the current credit card debt has pushed our plan out toward the end of 2021.

On the horizon is a new car purchase and the fact that our income taxes have been adjusted so that hopefully we will break even rather than force the budgeting for a $2-3K return every year.

The immigration debacle still looms large and unknown. Over the past four years this has cost us our tax returns and accumulated savings which is upwards of $10K and it is not done. Even if all goes well this round, there is another round to go.

Throw in twin grandbabies, unplanned and unexpected but the most amazing thing to have happened to us in the past five years, and another on the way and the unknown hovers before us.

Now for the reality:

Our basement foundation is slowly giving way and with the wettest 12 months on record the situation is rapidly becoming dire.

Our front porch is crumbling rapidly and a sinkhole is growing in front of it which will speed up the demise. Our side porch is also starting to move and we are seeing cracks in door frames, doors are sticking or closing when they have not done so before and we are even seeing cracks in ceilings around our home.

Our fear is that it will suddenly happen and collapse.

We do have a sump pump and a french drain in whatever state it's in so at this point we are not seeing water in our basement other than trickling through the cement block and the glass black windows.

But the walls are showing cracks and it is only a matter of time before something really goes wrong.

Without going too much into details we have debt that is more than our house is worth and though we owe less than the house is appraised for (not counting the repairs needed) taking on a large scale loan is a frightening thing.

We're looking at roughly the following:

$20,000 to get draining and wall repair in the basement
$10,000 to repair the front porch and surrounding ground
$20,000 to repair the side of the house (excavation, ground leveling and drainage)
$10,000 to repair the side porch and surrounding ground
$3,000 front door
$1,5000 fire place
$10,000 to replace the bathroom

Almost $80,000 to fix up the house.

The house is worth less than that and is currently unsaleable in its condition.

Do we wait for it to collapse? What then? Pay for the existing mortgage, removal of the collapsed house and build new? Think it's expensive now?

We'll pay on this stuff until we're dead or end up belly up and living who knows where on Social Security, broke and houseless.

Though we aren't there yet those are the fears that linger until a decision is made.

If you are praying folks, please pray.

Explaining The Trinity To Your 5 Year Old

Think you know your theology? Try explaining it to a 5 year old. We have a Children's Bible for our grandchildren who are five going on six. 

It's what we read to them as part of story time at bedtime. They've been involved at church since a very young age so are remarkably attuned to God and know about Jesus. 

We were reading about Easter and it's the first time I've had to explain to them about Jesus being killed. They knew this already so that obstacle was out of the way. 

But they started to ask why and I stumbled through trying to explain how Jesus, being God's Son, came down to conquer death, i.e. the 'death of death'.

The concept of 'sin' doesn't make much sense to them yet and I wasn't about to try and explain that. 

So the questions flowed. Who killed Jesus? Why? How did he die on the cross?

And then trying to explain how when he died he wasn't really dead. Well, his body was dead though where was it for three days? Then I tried to explain how our body isn't who we are. It's our soul. Or spirit, something deep inside of us.

I tried to explain death without using the word 'hell' because at five the idea of hell is freaky. They know too much about the devil. I think I'm hesitant to use certain terms in their impressionable minds as when I was a kid I used to think God was out to get me and that I was a child of Satan. I did not learn about God in a positive way until many years later.

And then he was resurrected. Who was resurrected? Where was his body? Where did it go? 

All of the ideas I have in my head about the Trinity are very difficult to explain without resorting to theological terms such as 'one essence, three persons' and 'two natures in one person'. 

It is a worthy challenge because if you can't explain it to a child it means you don't get it. Truthfully, a childlike mind no doubt more easily grasps it or isn't so bothered when it doesn't seem to add up.

The Basement

Ah, yes. The basement. That thing we've been putting off for years, that thing we missed in the inspection report given to us before we moved in (19 years ago, mind you), that thing we've tried to deny in hopes that something would happen where we wouldn't have to deal with it.

So much for that. I called a 'we'll pay cash for your house' company and after giving them the details their 'we'll call you back' was a dodge. They never called back. Even they don't want the house. The joys of homeownership.

As one who took years before I purchased an actual cell phone and operated with a voice mailbox and had an actual mailing address only operating with a PO Box, home ownership wasn't something I desired. It was something I wanted because of privacy. No drunken neighbors upstairs, can't hear the couple fights next door, no cops in the middle of the night, just privacy.

Repairs and home improvements? Hadn't given that a single thought. Now, along with the outside of the house which is the root of the problem, the symptoms, those things we overlooked or denied, are costly as well.

The deeper I dig (no pun intended), the more it unfolds what the issues are. We knew so little about owning a home and jumped the gun in preparation that these things didn't unfold until years later. We were just excited to not be in an apartment to start.

The clay pipes are obviously clogged or broken and so the French drain isn't doing what it is supposed to do. The earth is moving over time with the water that just sits and goes nowhere.

Yes, the time has come. 

As this goes it would appear we are more or less going to be building a new home. 

Join me on the journey. It's going to get interesting.

The Joys Of Homeownership

Let's talk about my house. In the midst of all the philosophizing or theologizing is reality. I've always felt this is complaining and just a problem that needs solved but I think also this helps put me in touch with the real world where people, not just ideas, live. Perhaps someone will relate, find inspiration or be helped as this unfolds. 

We've lived in our little two-bedroom home since 2000. It's been a great home, has housed my wife and I along with our daughter (and dogs), including our two grandbabies for the first two years of their life. 

We haven't done a whole lot to it aside from a new roof (had to cash in some 401(k) money to do that), ripping out the carpet in the living and dining room and refinishing the wood floors thanks to YouTube and painting the dining/living room.

It's got a cottage like feel but after nearly 20 years we've reached a critical point. The basement. Oh, the basement. When it rains, our backyard doesn't really drain anywhere and it moves toward the house. We've got a French drain and an inside sump but my guess is that the clay pipes are either clogged or busted up and the water just sits. 

And it is starting to show through the concrete blocks in the basement. It has been for years but the cracks are getting worse. Apparently we've hit Stage 2 (out of 4) wall failure. 

Here's the backyard after a rain. The bare patch was last year's grub invasion. Ah, the joys of home ownership. It is not a good investment, it requires an investment. 

Fights with neighbors, complaints to the city, the police called several times because my car is parked in the street (along with it being egged, written on in mustard, having notes left on it and having bags of trash thrown on it), the joys of the suburbs.

The porch was built several years ago after the original collapsed during a snow storm. The concrete slab was left in place and the porch built over top of it. Not sure if that was the best move or not.

I'll follow up with the basement photos soon. Tough to really see but the problem is water.

We've had many contractors and basements people come out and give estimates and it ranges from $5 to $20K depending on the goal, from cover up to something more akin to fixing the issue.

We're at the point now that we either decide to stay and fix, fix and sell, sell at a loss or hope and pray for a miracle of some kind (the nature of miracles is that we have no idea what that would even look like).

I post this only because we are sort of at that point where we've thrown our hands up in the air. We'll keep going but it's a bit of surreality we've not invested in fixing it up as we should have as many of our funds have been diverted elsewhere (which are stories that will be unfolded in the future) in this adventure called life.

Immigration journey...

I posted this on Quora but it seemed fitting to post it here. Future posts will add some detail to this series of events. It is enlightening and will shed light onto the current immigration debates taking place in the media.

What has been your most expensive travel mistake and what did you learn from it?

Arthur Ort, 20 years wrestling with religious truth, voracious reader

Updated Wed

The chain of events started when we arrived at the gate in Heathrow after an 8 hour red-eye from Boston in February of 2015.

“Can I see your UK Visa?” we were asked after the customs agent looked at my wife’s Jamaican passport.

“We don’t have one,” I replied.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you in,” was the reply.

Our worst fears were realized.

As a US Passport holder this wasn’t an issue. I was good to go. For my wife, a Jamaican citizen and US Green Card holder, this was not to be. We had the Schengen Visa which had taken us on some late night, rapid fire trips to New York, Washington DC, Cleveland and Chicago to obtain. With the Schengen Visa arriving the Wednesday before our departure, we thought we were finally good to go.

The following night while surfing the Web I found a site that mentioned the need for a UK Visa as the UK is not a part of the Schengen countries.

Curiously, my wife overheard a conversation about the need for a UK Visa as she was filling out papers for the Schengen Visa while we were in Chicago as I drove around the block several dozen times waiting for her. One was not needed was the consensus on the subject.

That was apparently not true. I had a meltdown. We were were flying out early that Saturday.

I called my wife’s sister-in-law who is a British citizen who had worked for Customs twenty plus years ago when she lived there and she said that sometimes the agents have latitude as to who they’ll let in.

With airline tickets, train tickets and a two-week itinerary planned canceling just didn’t seem like an option. With the feeble hope of her words we decided to brave it.

We got through Boston without incident so thought maybe, just maybe, we’d be ok.

At 7 a.m. in the morning (2 a.m. eastern US time) in Customs at Heathrow my wife was denied and escorted away. I went out to face my wife’s sister and her husband and tried to explain what had just unfolded.

Several hours later, a canceled Euro Pass and the purchase of a pair of plane tickets to France (hundreds of dollars on such short notice) our stay was extended.

We were able to experience the vacation of a lifetime through England, Wales, Belgium and northern France with her sister in Bristol and a good friend in Lille, France.

On the last leg of the journey, a p.m. return trip from Charles de Gaulle to Heathrow after our two weeks were up we were met with words that sounded very familiar when we presented our tickets to board:

‘We can’t let you board,” said the gate agent.

Denied again, this time at the gate. The transit visa through Heathrow expired at midnight on the day of travel, not 24 hours upon landing. The flight was held, our luggage removed. Add a hotel room to the bill.

So very grateful for Isabella from Air France who booked the hotel for us and changed our flight times to the next morning or we would have had to book new tickets as well.

After a whirlwind night, an early flight from CDG to Heathrow and a scramble and last minute decision to avoid having to go through security and missing a flight, we ditched our luggage at Heathrow and headed back overseas, elated at being free.

Upon arrival in Boston, we were once again met with words that were becoming hauntingly familiar:

“Please come with us,” my wife was told by two individuals who approached her at the booth where her passport and biometrics were scanned.

I was left dumbfounded. She was, once again, detained. You’d think my wife was a universally wanted criminal.

Hours later we learned that immigration law is different than US law and ‘did the crime, did the time’ does not apply. Petty crimes from thirty years ago in the moral purity of immigration law as it applies to those deemed worthy to be in the US are still relevant today and have the potential to make a green card holder inadmissible and, ultimately, removable.

Four years and thousands of dollars later (and still accumulating) we are still dealing with the trip with an immigration court date looming in January of 2020.

What have we learned? Aside from the particular ‘how not to travel' advice of that trip and more about immigration law than I can ever have imagined, we have felt at a deeper level than the media narrative at least one of the ways in which immigration law is broken.

We met incredible people through this journey, from the initial customs agent to those customs agents at Heathrow we talked with, to Isabella at Air France at CDG, to all the people we met through our doing it wrong travels and through all the people we’ve met navigating immigration law.

Though it is not easy, we have learned to find joy, hope and celebration in the midst of trials.

Systems fail and bad decisions are often made but people remain awesome.

P.S. Our luggage that we assumed was lost forever showed up at Pittsburgh the Tuesday after our return.

Sometimes when you (think you) hit bottom...

The day after my last post, I made a decision to change my mindset. It wasn't instant and it wasn't some pep talk that did it (I'm an INTJ, I'm just not wired that way). But I decided, with a sprinkle of faith, that I would pause before allowing my thoughts to run away with me. That was the decision.

It was conscious and it was intentional and it actually brought me some peace I haven't felt in quite some time.

Without going into the details of my work (which I may, over time, do but that will turn into a book), I walked in to one of our facilities and ran into the one of the ownership's family who I've grown to know a little bit. For some reason she thinks I am positive and always cheerful. I can't say I always feel that way but sometimes God will allow people to see you a certain way.

We talked for a while and ended up on the subject of gratefulness and she proceeded to remind me how fortunate (religious folk would say 'blessed') we are to be employed and employed at a company where management cares about people. And it hit me hard. She wasn't trying to push this on me, it was just conversation, but I was instantly convicted. For all my complaints about work are, in the end, my issue and my attitude, though perhaps not visibly displayed, has been ungrateful.

Later that day, another high ranking management team member gave a leadership presentation at a local community development agency using John Maxwell's 15 Invaluable Law of Growth. Our pastor is a certified Maxwell Life Coach and it's good stuff by my 'self help fatigue' often sets in and I struggle to listen to more of it as after a while it's easy to miss the good stuff in the midst of the sameness of it all.

But today, I was open. I have much respect for him and was excited to hear his presentation. He touched on two of the laws and they too hit hard.

Good management of bad experiences leads to great growth. I have not been managing bad experiences lately and have not been growing. In fact, I have been allowing the pain to control me and dictate my mood, my decisions and my overall well-being.

And like a punch to the gut, gently, was the law of the rubber band. A rubber band only works when it is stretched and it is right at the point of tension where growth, where stretching, occurs. I have not been allowing myself to stretch; I have been an old, worn rubber band ready to break.

And then...as if that wasn't enough.

On Quora, where I frequently find myself lately, I voiced an opinion about a Biblical topic of which I have a surface level understanding and was met with an incredible exposition and, after some banter in the comments section, words of cool refreshment poured straight out of Scripture that reminded me without Him I can do nothing.

It was the coup de grâs, the trifect, the three pointer at the buzzer. It was the Holy Trinity giving me a nudge. 

I am in His embrace even in the midst of my struggles laid out over the past few months and years here and He is letting me know that it's ok and to let go, to surrender. Because when we do, we find Him there and, as Scripture says, His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Circumstances don't necessarily change; we do and our circumstances look different.

New Directions

Today is Monday, May 20, 2019. I'm taking this blog in a different direction, we'll see where it goes.

As much as I wax philosophical about religion and matters of faith, even life in general, the reality is that we are struggling. Not without hope but struggling. This is the reality that all of us are either facing or running from or some combination of both.

But even though it is rough right now, there is good and we are grateful when we get outside of ourselves and see the sun above the clouds.

And comparatively our struggles pale in comparison to the struggle of others. And this too is a struggle because of our limited view. I struggle because even though my struggle is what we might called a 'privileged struggle' it is still a struggle nonetheless and comparative guilt doesn't help.

So how to get out of the mud? How to reach out and help others? This is the challenge.

I think I have a limited view of helping others. I have a monetary view in mind because our struggles are monetary and we are unable to help others this way without putting ourselves in a bind which will further exacerbate the problem.

So when we have 'gift offerings' at church I feel shame and guilt because I do not feel we can afford it yet there is the warped sense of 'if you do this, God will bless you' as if it is a formula. Yet God also wants us to be responsible, no?

Are we not debtors (our current situation due to some poor choices made a while back) slave to the lender? Should our focus be on responsibly managing what he gives us in the way of finances rather than looking for a 'formula' that equates giving to freedom from debt?

Always questions. I don't think I understand the obsession with finances in the church. And perhaps it is a flaw in me, a sore spot, rubbing salt in the very same wound of the fear I have of everything falling apart.

I put on video exactly what our situation is as a document as we progress. Our house is falling apart, our budget, while we are sustaining, is in a vulnerable even volatile spot, my wife's immigration hearing is on the horizon (which has cost us our tax refunds for the past four years), daughter has a third child on the way in a less than ideal situation, suffering from an impinged shoulder (getting better but still limiting), cars are in need of 'stuff' and in terms of a future we are not well prepared.

So, at 50 years old it feels as if we are starting over and the way my attitude has been lately it appears that 20 years of faith has come up short. And perhaps that's as it should be. Perhaps I have not yet really learned what it means to surrender and I am still self-reliant.

Top 5 (Or More) Before/After Books

The Bible almost goes without saying as the influential book of my life. That being said, below are my Top 5.

• Dao De Jing (Cleary translation; Henricks translation) - this is the one that started it all. I became fascinated with this one when I started seeking. Can't recall when I actually picked this up but pretty sure it was some book of the month club. It seemed 'mystical' and I was already 'facing East' by this time as I had perceived all things Christian as power mongering, manipulative and fearful. God was seen as an abusive task master and the whole 'Jesus saves' thing creeped me out in the worst TBN televangelist stereotyping kind of way. The Cleary version was the version I was reading when I was at a Youth Hostel in Idaho and it all became clear in an instant, just before my peak moment at the top of Yosemite Falls.

• Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - this is the book that saved my sanity. I had tried to read it in college because it was one of those books that seems to be a rite of passage. I tried and it didn't sink in. I was more interested in drinking. So while this in some sense pre-dates the Dao De Jing, it was not until years later in the midst of what was becoming a mid-life crisis in my twenties with alcoholism on the doorstep that I picked it up to read it. I literally took two days off of work to finish it. One reading. It didn't fix me; it made me realize that I was not alone.

• Cyclical Time and Ismaili Gnosis - I discovered Henry Corbin through the book Sacred Drift (which enlightened me to the joyous and wild world of ‘heretical’ Islam). This book challenged me and puzzled me and pushed me and frustrated me but it also provided me with an opening to a more ‘mystical’ tradition to be found in Christianity. I always want to see what the author is seeing and without trying to bend it to my beliefs and this book pushed me in ways unfathomable as it introduced an entire universe that was new to me and gave me a 'pro' view of the 'Gnostic' texts of the New Testament. ‘Heretical’? Absolutely. Here was an alternate view to the Incarnation with full embrace of the mystery rather than rejecting it on historical or other grounds. I can’t even begin to tell you how deep this goes. I still revisit this from time to time as I see in Corbin a very 'Eastern' view and have since learned how he was influenced by the Eastern Church, especially Russian authors.

• The Roots Of Christian Mysticism - second only to the Bible in influence, this introduced me to the Church Fathers and literally saved my Christian faith. This book sent me down the path of where I am now and my leanings toward a more 'Eastern' view. Interesting that I was drawn to the Eastern religious traditions yet could never abandon my faith in Christ and here is the meeting of the two. Other than the Bible, this book is the most underlined, rabbit-eared, worn and taped up book I own.

• Mystical Theology Of The Eastern Church - an intellectual sojourn through a tradition foreign to me but one that fit with what I had discovered in reading the Bible. This was a fit; the 'West' view wasn't (and still isn't). It gave concrete language and an intellectual framework around what I had discovered within my own studies and what I found wanting within the ‘western’ tradition in which I was raised.

The books below are up there and a major part of the journey but fell just shy of having the impact the books above have had.

1. The Power of Myth - this one may have been in the mix of the two books noted above, can't recall. This was the book that put words to thinking 'mythically' as the literalism with which I was supposed to take the Bible wasn't happening. At first, 'mythically' meant the whole thing was made up, fiction, a myth. I began the quest into the eastern religions as, it seems, is a rite of passage for many who rebel, drawn to the exotic, the opposite, the mystical flavor of things foreign. I outgrew this when I learned, over time, that he was as fundamentalist as any fundie and I realized he missed an entire tradition within Christianity of the 'charismatic' variety. 
2. Sacred Drift - this one put the 'fun' in fundamentalism as his stories through the world of Islam opened my eyes to the variety contained within it. Anarchy of the religious sort was appealing. Picked this up on a whim at Twice Loved Books in Youngstown. This was my guide of sorts as I began my journey into the world of Islam. It remained a personal favorite until the secrets of the author were revealed via the Web and, true or not, it made me realize that anarchy only goes so far and, taken to its extreme, can be a dangerous weapon that will take us further than we want, or should, go. 
3. Qur'an - Pickthall translation. My intro to Islam which started on the Beliefnet forum. I would eventually 'graduate' to Muhammad Asad's translation which, unfortunately, appears to be wishful thinking from a convert from the West, no matter how educated. This was a seven year journey that would take me to and through 9/11.
4. Theology and the Church - the latest addition. Adding intellectual depth to the Trinity.
5. Christ In Eastern Christian Thought - the latest addition to the book and an entirely new path. I had no idea how deep and how long debates about Who Christ is went on and it through this I've gone much deeper into the Eastern Orthodox tradition and it has brought a bright light into my search.

Is the Trinity biblical?

Certainly.  

As is Unitarianism, Oneness Pentecostalism and every other denomination under the sun. 

Those who developed the doctrine were highly intelligent (arguably too intelligent perhaps), it was not invented during the Council of Nicaea, it finds it origins in the earliest strata of the Church (though non-Trinitarians claim the same) and it is most certainly rooted in Scripture as the primary source (as any and all who call themselves Christian in some fashion or other claim). 

Are Oneness Pentecostals biblical? Unitarians? Christadelphians? Worldwide Church of God? Jehovah’s Witnesses? 

In other words, whether one agrees with it or not, the Trinity is biblical. 

A better framing of the question might be: in what way does the Trinity doctrine find roots in the Bible?

There is a lot of discussion, online anyhow, about doctrine. Volumes and volumes of books are published on the same subject. I don't know how much this applies in the day to day lives of most who call themselves Christians.

But it dawned on me as I continue my journey into Orthodoxy that I see why people criticize the Orthodox Church (though often lumped in with Catholicism). It is one of the oldest expressions of the faith for certain. Yet in its current form it really dates to the 4th century.

This isn't to deny that it may be traceable back to the Apostles and that the worship the developed in the 4th century reflects truly the earliest church.  But I get it. With the complex doctrines and the formality and 'ritual' that is the church by going Sola Scriptura (understood in a way different than Luther's original intent) the current church only looks for roots in the Bible.

The irony, if I am using that word properly, is a written reflection of the tradition that was passed on and the same church that is criticized is the same church who canonized what we call the New Testament and who also developed doctrine.

Next step, after cutting themselves off from the larger body of the church, is to do some self-reflection and reject the doctrines of the church. This is already happening today. Doctrines are given lip service and half-hearted apologetic but changes are happening on a large scale. 

Oneness Pentecostals, for example, are a growing body of believers who reject the Trinity. There are some who are seeking to do away with the part in the Creed about Jesus going to hell. It's being dismantled, slowly but surely. What will be left? Hard to say.

But all of them go back to the Bible as their source.

So is the Trinity biblical? It most certainly is.

I think what appeals to be about Orthodoxy is twofold:

1) Its embrace of the mystery

This does not mean throw up your hands because it is not understood. It means that doctrine is a hedge, it is a limit. Over hundreds (yes, hundreds, longer than the United States is a country) of years it has been unpacked, all the mental and intellectual limits of how to understand what has been presented in the text we now have we call 'the Bible', and the Trinity is what resulted. However, within (and this is the operative word) those limits is an unfathomable richness. It is this that is mysterious. Doctrine (the Trinity and the God-Man) is both the end and the entry into the divine.

I have found that the end result of all questioning yields to the Trinity.

2) Its doctrinal framework.

It makes sense. It makes sense of the disparate elements between all the books of the New Testament in their presentation of Jesus as well as the Father, Son and Spirit. Certainly there's belief involved. After all, Three-In-One sounds absurd, especially when contrasted with the Judaism out of which it arose.

In the eastern tradition it wasn't until the 7th century that everything was 'settled'. And yet over time there is still more to discover, more nuances, more exploration into what it means. It never really ceased.

And this is where 'new' revelations come in such as Oneness Pentecostals. They say they have it right, that 2,000 years of church history was a power grab. God is speaking afresh and new. Revival! The end times! Jesus is coming soon! It's certainly an interesting time to be alive.

And yet, all are biblical.

My point of all this? Pick one and go with it. Seek to live it, not debate about it.

Evangelicalism vs Orthodox?

The title applies to my perceptions which are, in terms of EO, limited and, in terms of Evangelicalism, not universal. These are my observations. 

In church today it dawned on me that there is quite a difference between the preaching at churches such as mine (nominally allegiant to a denomination) and what I perceive to be the essence of the liturgical approach. The liturgy seems to be about Him; we are small in comparison. It is 'awe' inspiring in that regard.

Modern churches seem to be about His impact on our lives. What has He done for us. Things such as 'victory' and other such sentiments are specific to His action in our lives to encourage others and build up faith. I suppose that is the 'Protestant' ethic of applying that to 'earthy' concerns and building a better future. This isn't to say that it is self-ish necessarily. It is less awe inspiring and more centered on feeling. Generalizing, certainly, but there is a difference.

To many in these churches, the EO church and its liturgy is 'dead' because it isn't bumping and jumping and exciting. But I don't want enthusiasm and jumping and similar expressions to represent 'praising' God as if by sitting and meditating upon Him I'm not praising Him. Praise is too often associated with clapping, shouting, dancing and other such expressions which, if not careful, rules out anything else as 'dead' worship.

I get more of a thrill when my mind locks in on something about Him, even during such 'worship' and I'm carried away in it whether or not my body is moving an inch. Some of the most substantial intuitions (revelations? move of the Spirit?) about Him come during these times. I'm either focused on a particular lyric or trying to interpret a cloudy or sketchy lyric through my filter and it leads me to clarity. 

I've lately begun wearing earplugs whether due to age or because I'm comfortable saying it's too loud and distracting. Actually, at an oratorio a few years ago I had earplugs in and people thought it was rude. When I put the earplugs in their ears and they could hear the singing and the music with discrimination and clarity that accusation vanished. Not only did it save my ears, I could enjoy the music. Loud = praise. 

A few years later during an ordination for a minister I walked out because it was so loud. I was not alone on this met others in the hallway who shared similar sentiments and eventually someone older and wiser had them turn down the mics so people could actually hear.

"If I hear one more Chris Tomlin song..." (Sorry Chris but 'God's Dance Floor' jumped the shark, fun as it may be)

Does that mean I am not that into God or that I have become ungrateful or lost sight of what He's done or Who He is? Perhaps. But the deeper I go, the more silent I become. Isn't that what the hesychasts and monks say is the epitome of true worship? 

I feel no obligation to imitate, to do what others are doing. If I am so moved I will; if I'm not, I won't.

But I appreciate the Gospel background of my journey and the acoustic driven sounds of the CCM sound in my journey along with the chant of orthodoxy and all the other influences in the stream as they have carried me this far, deeper and more grounded in my faith than ever, restless and unsettled as I often am in my pursuit of more of Him.

We are all at different places in the journey and we are all on the same team if we're focused on Jesus as the access to 'God'. It seems, though, that the EO (and, for others, the Catholic Church) provides a repository for those who are longing for something deeper.

Doubt

I struggle with doubt. I'm not sure I struggle with actual 'doubt' so much as I struggle with feeling as if I have to believe or think a certain way compared to others and because I don't I think I have doubt. In other words, when comparing myself or feel as if I am supposed to believe a certain way, I associate 'doubt' with 'I don't believe.'

Truth of the matter is that when I stop comparing the doubt goes away. I may not be able to express what I feel or 'intuit' but this doesn't mean doubt in the sense of lack of belief or unwillingness to decide. So in this case, 'doubt' isn't accurate as at my core I have a solid set of beliefs. From the perspective of faith, I am a believer and I do not 'doubt' the basic tenets of the faith.

If we are totally depraved (something I do not subscribe to, i.e. doubt) then how can we know that anything touched by man is true at all? Holy Spirit? Word of God? What I question, i.e. doubt, are the propositions of men which, if you really get down to it, could include the very Bible on which the faith ultimately stands.

Is my depravity what is causing me to 'doubt' that we are depraved? Doesn't take long before I'm buckled up in the corner like Robert Pirsig (whose book, on some level, may have saved my life).

Did a quick search on the word 'doubt' as translated in the KJV with focus on the New Testament (to be cross referenced with the LXX, though there are some mentions in the various lexicons) and there are many Greek words in various shades of subtlety of meaning that are rendered with the one English word doubt.

So as I listen to Drexciya and read my Church Fathers, below is what is found in the New Testament (Greek) for "doubt" using Blue Letter Bible and references to Strong's and Vine's concordances. As you can see, for us to project our definition or understanding of 'doubt' back into the New Testament is to miss the subtlety of each use and meaning.

They all seem to indicate some idea of the will waiting for something - more information? - before making a decision or mental assent toward the object, action or idea being proposed. It is a suspended (quantum?) state. There is a division, two rather than one, so it separates and leads to hesitation and is ultimately an internal wrestling that needs resolved. 

To not have faith is an indication of doubt in the mix. I couldn't tell you what it means to have full faith without any doubt. I have faith and it manifests in belief but there are always area where there is doubt because I haven't brought my mind into captivity and it is there, in the mind, were doubt resides. It is the gatekeeper to translate 'faith' into 'belief.'

ἀπορέω doubt, be perplexed, stand in doubt,
1 Verb Strong's Number: g639 Greek: aporeo Doubt (Be In, Make To), Doubtful, Doubting: always used in the Middle Voice, lit. means "to be without a way" (a, negative, poros, "a way, transit"), "to be without resources, embarrassed, in doubt, perplexity, at a loss," as was Herod regarding John the Baptist, Mar 6:20 (RV, following the most authentic mss., "was much perplexed"); as the disciples were, regarding the Lord's betrayal, Jhn 13:22, "doubting;" and regarding the absence of His body from the tomb, Luk 24:4, "were perplexed;" as was Festus, about the nature of the accusations brought against Paul, Act 25:20, AV "doubted," RV, "being perplexed;" as Paul was, in his experiences of trial, 2Cr 4:8, "perplexed," and, as to the attitude of the believers of the churches in Galatia towards Judaistic errors, Gal 4:20, AV, "I stand in doubt," RV, "I am perplexed." Perplexity is the main idea. See PERPLEX. Cp. the noun aporia, "distress," Luk 21:25. [View Entry in Its Context]
1 Verb Strong's Number: g639 Greek: aporeo Perplex, Perplexity: is rendered "perplexed" in 2Cr 4:8, and in the most authentic mss. in Luk 24:4; see DOUBT, A, No. 1.

διακρίνω doubt, judge, discern, contend, waver, misc, Contend (-ing): lit., "to separate throughout or wholly" (dia, "asunder," krino, "to judge," from a root kri--, meaning "separation"), then, to distinguish, decide, signifies, in the Middle Voice, "to separate oneself from, or to contend with," as did the circumcisionists with Peter, Act 11:2; as did Michael with Satan, Jud 1:9. See RV marg. of Jud 1:22, where the thought may be that of differing in opinion. See DIFFER, DISCERN, DOUBT, JUDGE, PARTIAL, STAGGER, WAVER. [View Entry in Its Context]
1 Verb Strong's Number: g1252 Greek: diakrino Decide, Decision: primarily signifies "to make a distinction," hence, "to decide, especially judicially, to decide a dispute, to give judgment," 1Cr 6:5, AV, "judge;" RV, "decide," where church members are warned against procuring decisions by litigation in the world's law courts. See CONTEND. [View Entry in Its Context]
3 Verb Strong's Number: g1252 Greek: diakrino Differ, Differing, Different, Difference: lit., "to separate throughout, to make a distinction," Act 15:9; RV is translated "to make to differ," in 1Cr 4:7. In Jud 1:22, where the Middle Voice is used, the AV has "making a difference," the RV, adopting the alternative reading, the accusative case, has "who are in doubt," a meaning found in Mat 21:21; Mar 11:23; Act 10:20; Rom 14:23; Jam 1:6; 2:4. See CONTEND. [View Entry in Its Context]
2 Verb Strong's Number: g1252 Greek: diakrino Discern, Discerner, Discernment: signifies "to separate, discriminate;" then, "to learn by discriminating, to determine, decide." It is translated "discern" in Mat 16:3, of discriminating between the varying conditions of the sky (see dokimazo, No. 3, below, in Luk 12:56), and in 1Cor 11:29, with reference to partaking of the bread and the cup of the Lord's Supper unworthily, by not "discerning" or discriminating what they represent; in ver. 31, the RV has "discerned," for the AV, "would judge," of trying oneself, "discerning" one's condition, and so judging any evil before the Lord; in 1Cr 14:29, regarding oral testimony in a gathering of believers, it is used of "discerning" what is of the Holy Spirit, RV, "discern" (AV, "judge"). See CONTEND, DECIDE, DIFFER, etc. [View Entry in Its Context]
4 Verb Strong's Number: g1252 Greek: diakrino Divide, Divider, Dividing: "to separate," discriminate, hence, "to be at variance with oneself, to be divided in one's mind," is rendered "divided" in Jam 2:4, RV; AV, "partial." See DISCERN. [View Entry in Its Context]
3 Verb Strong's Number: g1252 Greek: diakrino Doubt (Be In, Make To), Doubtful, Doubting: See CONTEND and DIFFER, A, No. 2; in Act 11:12, AV, "nothing doubting," RV, "making no distinction;" in Jud 1:22, RV, "who are in doubt" (AV, "making a difference," RV, marg., "while they dispute"); in Jam 1:6, AV, "wavereth," RV, "doubteth." This verb suggests, not so much weakness of faith, as lack of it (contrast, Nos. 4 and 5). [View Entry in Its Context]
103 Verb Strong's Number: g1252 Greek: diakrino Judge (Noun and Verb): denotes "to separate throughout" (dia, and No. 1), "discriminate, discern," and hence, "to decide, to judge" (also "to contend, to hesitate, to doubt"); it is rendered "to judge" in 1Cr 6:5, in the sense of arbitrating; in 1Cr 11:31 (1st part), the RV has "(if we) discerned (ourselves)," AV "(if we would) judge" (krino, No. 1, is used in the 2nd part); so in 1Cr 14:29, RV, "discern" (AV, "judge"). See DECIDE, A, DISCERN, A. No. 2. Notes: (1) In 1Cr 6:2 (last clause) "to judge" represents the noun kriterion, which denotes "a tribunal, a law court," and the meaning thus is "are ye unworthy of sitting upon tribunals of least importance?" (see RV marg.), i.e., to "judge" matters of smallest importance. Some would render it "cases," but there is no clear instance elsewhere of this meaning. See JUDGMENT-SEAT. (2) In Hbr 11:11, the verb hegeomai, "to consider, think, account," is rendered "she judged (Him faithful)," AV (RV, "she counted"). See COUNT, No. 2. [View Entry in Its Context]
1 Verb Strong's Number: g1252 Greek: diakrino Partial, Partiality: "to separate, distinguish, discern, judge, decide" (dia, "asunder," krino, "to judge"), also came to mean "to be divided in one's mind, to hesitate, doubt," and had this significance in Hellenistic Greek (though not so found in the Sept.). For the AV, "are ye (not) partial" in Jam 2:4, see DIVIDE, No. 4. "'This meaning seems to have had its beginning in near proximity to Christianity.' It arises very naturally out of the general sense of making distinctions" (Moulton and Milligan). [View Entry in Its Context]
101 Verb Strong's Number: g1252 Greek: diakrino Waver, Wavering: is rendered "to waver" in Rom 4:20, RV (AV, "staggered"); in Jam 1:6 (twice). See DOUBT, No. 3.

διαλογισμός thought, reasoning, imagination, doubtful, disputing, doubting, 2 Strong's Number: g1261 Greek: dialogismos Disputation: is translated "disputations" in Rom 14:1. See below. [View Entry in Its Context] 1 Noun Strong's Number: g1261 Greek: dialogismos Dispute, Disputer, Disputing: denotes, primarily, "an inward reasoning, an opinion" (dia, "through," suggesting separation, logismos, "a reasoning"), e.g., Luk 2:35; 5:22; 6:8; then, "a deliberating, questioning," Luk 24:38; (more strongly) "a disputing," Phl 2:14; 1Ti 2:8 (AV, "doubtings"); in Rom 14:1, "disputations;" marg., "(not for decisions) of doubts" (lit., "not unto discussions of doubts," which is perhaps a suitable rendering). Cp. dialogizomai, "to reason." See DOUBTING, IMAGINATION, REASONING, THOUGHT. [View Entry in Its Context]
101 Noun Strong's Number: g1261 Greek: dialogismos Doubt (Be In, Make To), Doubtful, Doubting: expresses reasoning or questioning hesitation, 1Ti 2:8. See DISPUTE, A, No. 1. Note: For AV, "doubtful" in Rom 14:1 see DECISION, B, No. 2. [View Entry in Its Context]
2 Strong's Number: g1261 Greek: dialogismos Imagination: dia, and No. 1, is rendered "imaginations" in Rom 1:21, carrying with it the idea of evil purposes, RV, "reasonings;" it is most frequently translated "thoughts." See DISPUTE. [View Entry in Its Context]
1 Strong's Number: g1261 Greek: dialogismos Reasoning: "a thought, reasoning, inward questioning" [akin to dialogizomai, see REASON (Verb), No. 1], is translated "reasoning" or "reasonings" in Luk 5:22, RV (AV, "thoughts"); Luk 9:46; Luk 9:47, RV (AV, "thoughts"); 24:38 (AV, "thoughts"); Rom 1:21 (AV, "imaginations"); 1Cr 3:20 (AV, "thoughts"). See DISPUTE, A, No. 1. Note: In those mss. which contain Act 28:29, occurs suzetesis, "a disputation," which is translated "reasoning" (AV). [View Entry in Its Context] 
6 Strong's Number: g1261 Greek: dialogismos Thought (Noun): "reasoning," is translated "thoughts" in Mat 15:19; Mar 7:21; Luk 2:35; 6:8; in Luk 5:22, AV, RV, "reasonings;" in Luk 9:47, AV, RV, "reasoning," and Luk 24:38, AV, RV, "reasonings;" so 1Cr 3:20; in Luk 9:46, AV and RV, "reasoning;" "thoughts" in Jam 2:4, AV and RV. See DISPUTE, IMAGINATION, REASONING.

διαπορέω doubt, be perplexed, be much perplexed, be in doubt, dia, "asunder" (intensive), and No. 1, signifies "to be thoroughly perplexed," with a perplexity amounting to despair, Act 2:12; 5:24; 10:17, AV, "were in doubt," "doubted," RV, "were (was) perplexed." See also Luk 9:7 (some mss. have it in Luk 24:4, where the most authentic have No. 1). See PERPLEX.

διστάζω doubt, "to stand in two ways" (dis, "double," stasis, "a standing"), implying "uncertainty which way to take," is used in Mat 14:31; 28:17; said of believers whose faith is small. Cp. No. 5.

μετεωρίζομαι be of a doubtful mind, from meteoros (Eng., "meteor"), signifying "in mid air, raised on high," was primarily used of putting a ship out to sea, or of "raising" fortifications, or of the "rising" of the wind. In the Sept., it is used, e.g., in Mic 4:1, of the "exaltation" of the Lord's house; in Eze 10:16, of the "lifting" up of the wings of the cherubim; in Oba 1:4, of the "mounting" up of the eagle; in the NT metaphorically, of "being anxious," through a "distracted" state of mind, of "wavering" between hope and fear, Luk 12:29, "neither be ye of doubtful mind" (AV, marg., "live not in careful suspense"), addressed to those who have little faith. Cp. No. 4. The interpretation "do not exalt yourselves" is not in keeping with the context.

ψυχή doubt (be in, make to), doubtful, doubting: lit., "to raise the breath, or to lift the soul," signifies "to hold in suspense," RV of Jhn 10:24 (AV, "make us to doubt"), suggestive of "an objective suspense due to lack of light" (Warfield), through a failure of their expectations, rather than, subjectively, through unbelief. The meaning may thus be, "How long dost Thou raise our expectations without satisfying them?"